fAiL hArDeR

Again, and again, and again.

The lesson repeats itself until is learned.

Moderation

I hate that word sometimes, moderation.

Moderation. Isn't that the same thing as mediocrity? Since when was it ok to give up at least the pursuit of Mastery?

Why have we become so complacent and accepting of so many things, when other things are still not tolerated?

Why do I get so angry when asked to defend my choices?

A better question might be, "Why do I think everyone is attacking me for my choices?"

I know some of the answers to that last question, but won't discuss that openly on here.

Instead I'll just focus on my own pursuit of mastery. It gives me joy, and a reason to live. Without it, I just want to sit around and do nothing, and wait for the world to go on without me.

For me, I struggle with moderation, just as much as I struggle with intuition, and self control. I crave discipline, because it gives me order. I don't always recognize that I can establish my own boundaries with people. This makes me angry at myself that I have to learn this as an adult. I often feel like a child in an adult's body.

Sometimes I get sad when I look at my scars from my self damage, aka my stretch marks. I'm scared to let people see them. I feel less than good enough.

I had a dream last night I took cocaine, and then went back for a second hit. Just for the record, I have never and will never do that. No desire to even. But I did have some toffee candy last night when I attended a concert at the Royal Conservatory. The sugar is still reeling in my brain now.

My back is sore in the middle spot - the place where it hurts when I have overeaten, and am bloated. It goes away once I'm back to "normal" with my food and not drugging myself up with sugar and processed carbs.

Why did I do it? Fear.

I was scared I wouldn't have enough enough in me to stay awake and get through the concert. I don't know what I was afraid of to be honest. So what if I got a little tired? Will I collapse?

Maybe.

Getting over this fear of total and complete exhaustion is really hard. I know I'm not sick anymore, and am actually healthier overall than most people. I know many people die from pneumonia and septicemia, but I didn't. Some people take a full year to recover from the pneumonia itself, and yet I think I had my full lung capacity back after just two months of kettlebells.

So why am I still so afraid? I KNOW I'm capable. I don't need the crutch of candy.

Sometimes I wish change wasn't so hard.

Sometimes all I want is to be held, to be touched. There is a void in me, in my heart, and an overall feeling of loneliness that makes the night a scary place.

I can't stand the cold temperatures any more. They cause my body pain that I can no longer tolerate the way I used to. Or maybe I just choose to stop tolerating it.

Just rambling today kiddies, nothing to be alarmed about. That dream has me a bit unsettled, so had to get the words out.

Happy Sunday,

Alilstrange

Fear

It's been awhile. I've been crawling my way back it seems for way too long...so let's get down to business. (this is a long one, you've been warned!)

What's going on? Well, besides playing with my food...

I'm scared. I've been back on my food plan, and my workouts are going great. I've gained back most of my strength, and while I still need to lean out, I'm almost back into my regular size clothes. Actually, am just one or two sizes away, which is wonderful. Oh! and my hair is growing back, and it was loads of fun cutting it all off, and having super short hair.

My face is starting to come back to normal as I lean out, and people at work have commented on how I'm doing better. It feels good, and I am able to laugh now at how fat I got during my decent into relapse hell. 

Here's the problem, I've become an almost hermit. I made one of the biggest errors in judgement during one of the most stressful times of my life when I made the decision to move into the space I'm in now. It's no surprise to me that I relapsed, it was bound to happen. But as a consequence of everything I've been through and the uncomfortable physical environment, I am struggling a lot more than is ideal at the moment. I just don't have a relaxing living space, and that has contributed in large part to my struggle in getting back on track. Not playing the blame game here, just stating the facts.

All my safeties, and knowing all my own triggers - I forgot about all of that, and suffered the consequences. Now I'm not only trying to rebuild myself physically and mentally, but I'm no better off with regard to finances and employment. And I live in a worse place than I could have imagined.

Work is not good - we got the news in November that our jobs are being transitioned overseas, so I have until the end of June to stick it out at this place, unless I can find something sooner. I'm hoping for a buyout package or severance that will give me time off work to get my life together, but that is looking less hopeful. We are now operating with half the staff, and more work. Stressful is an understatement, and I feel trapped, and chained.

In a way it's a blessing, in that it has forced me off my butt to get back into "fighter mode". Which is to say, I updated my resume, and faced facts with my finances. I have a game plan, and am taking action to make changes. It's just really hard, and I'm really tired all the time from the effort. I cry myself to sleep most nights of the week, and my emotional eating is ever lurking.

Made some really great friends near the end of 2011, as a result of my kettlebell classes, and got my head out of the sand with regard to some people about whom I had some false assumptions. Painful process to go through, but it was necessary. Because now I know.

So, back to the fear thing. I'm still working on it.

Anyways, here's a mini breakdown of some of the major things/events that opened my heart, and re-ignited my passion for living:

Alilstrange's Awesome Events from 2012: 

1. Learned the Kettlebells from a wonderful trainer at a gym downtown, which helped me in my rehabilitation and brought me back to my own personal wonder woman status.  THIS is what brought me back to Life. I will be forever grateful not only to the wonderful instruction I received, but the amazing camaraderie of my fellow classmates, and what I think will be a life-long love for the bells.

2. Had a chance meeting with a guy in a martial arts store about mma, and he told me about his club. I checked it out for a free lesson one night, and was invited to join the woman's team afterwards. Can you say are you freakin kidding me?! W00t W00t! Totally awesome.

Most importantly? I had an exciting, thrilling and challenging evening. And then I floated home as if on a cloud...

Been saving my pennies, and planed to join in January, but the work news frightened me. January is almost over...I need to take the leap.

3. Attended my first taping of the George Stroumboulopoulos show at the CBC! Not familiar? Check it out here -----> http://www.cbc.ca/strombo/

All I have to say is So Much Fun!

4. Made New Friends. Really, really good ones. 'Nuff said. Got closer with some acquaintances, and practiced getting out of my shell a bit during some of my lowest-of-the-low moments, which was absolutely terrifying and embarrassing, but I did it.

5. Read the Game of Thrones series up to Book 5. Major Love Fest for that series!

6. Met one of my heroes, Brendan Brazier, and got the chance to thank him for the work he's doing, and he in turn thanked me. It was kinda neat. (this pic is of the lady in line ahead of me, not me)

So, there is still a LOT that needs to get done, but the cool thing is now I actually feel like participating in life again. The only caveat is that choosing to live comes with a price. The price of More Work!

Here's just a few things...

TO DO: 

1. Upgrade os.

2. Get new job.

3. Finish school applications (a technical error with the online application is currently holding up one of them, hope to hear back from admissions on Monday as to how to fix it).

4. Keep Being Awesome. (Ha!)

5. Stick to Food Plan. (got addicted to some nasty crap in the past year following my hospital visit and reintroduction to crap while IN the hospital. Don't EVEN get me started on that one.)

6. Never, ever give up.

7. Be Grateful. Every Single F'n Day. (*this is ongoing, and have practiced this for a few years now but still deserves mentioning)

8. Write MORE often, and Regularly. Grrr...this is a time issue at the moment.

9. Never, ever give up my fight for recovery, and my quest for freedom from my vices.

10. Find therapist for ongoing treatment. (This is also another long story of medications, referrals, consultations, and doors being shut in my face - not gonna go there.)

11. Live.
12. Love.
13. Breathe.

Chill out possums, I ain't dead yet, so I guess that means I got me some more living to do.

Looking forward to sharing some of it with you.

Mwah!

xoxo
Alilstange :)

Joes - 250 Sorauren Ave.

Date of Visit: Sunday, September 16, 2012

What a pleasant space. This is first and foremost a family oriented spot. The atmosphere is calm, and enjoyable.

I'm here on a sunny day, and when sitting at the bar table facing the front window, can see to the park across the street. There are several Adirondack chairs out front, and as I compose this in first draft, a young family is in them now.

As a single woman alone here, I feel out of place. But still welcome, all the same.

The counter where I'm sitting is comfortable in that the stool is wide, and the foot rest clearly made for resting. I take full advantage, and dip into the Globe Style section graciously left behind by some previous patron.

In it, Sarah Hampson is enlightening me with her article on vaginas. Apparently we are now in the grips of a "vagi-centric mindset".

How delightful.

Note to self: am overdue for a sugaring appointment.

I also receive much needed validation as she embraces her love of Christian Louboutins by comparing them to the penis/car obsessions possessed by men, and tells me that this is just fine, and perfectly acceptable.

There, now we can all be happy.

Time to pack up, and get on my way to the next spot which is hopefully  more suited to my single woman status.

Indie Coffee Tour - Weekend Roundup

Hey there Possums,

For those of you still with me, I do apologize for being away so long, but as they say...life happens, oui?

How HAVE you been darlings? I'm doing well, thanks for asking. :)

Alrighty then, pleasantries out of the way, let's get down to the nit and gritty and I'll try to fill you in on what I've been up to.

This past weekend, I decided to (finally) dump my Starbucks obsession, and embrace the independent coffee culture in my beloved city.

It's about frikkin' time, n'est-ce pas?!  I couldn't agree with you  more.

And what better way to jump on board then to partake in the Indie Coffee Passport event starting this month and running through to March 2013.

What is this Indie Coffee thing of which I speak?

Check it out here: ------> Indie Coffee Passport 

I visited 3 spots this weekend: Alternative Grounds on Roncy, Joes on Sorauren, and The Green Grind on College.

First of all, I just have to say Thank You indie establishments for serving almond milk at your bevvie counters.

*insert applause*

You just made Alilstrange one happy 'lil camper indeed! Needless to say, I WILL be coming back.

I even wrote reviews! 

**Oooohh...Ahhhh**

Now, will I actually get off my lazy butt and transfer this to a blog post? *shrugs* The future is of yet, uncertain.

Patience, young apricots, I'm still just getting back into a grove here, so not making any promises, but I will say that my heart is in the right place. I do think of this little online space often, and fondly.

Just beeing working out some stuff, and getting outside a LOT.

Been riding the bike, doing lots of walking, and of course, tons of writing and wandering.

You wouldn't have me any other way, would ya? ;)

So here I go, off to (hopefully) start typing away on the next post, and so I will leave you with this...


Please tune in to the George Stroumbouloulos Tonight show this Monday, September 17th for the new season, and also because I attended my very first show as a member of the audience!

Tons 'o fun! Not only is George as genuine as he appears on camera, but the entire crew was just as funny, upbeat, and professional to boot.

One final cutie before I sign off.

Don't worry, I'm still eating Green, but can't help myself from taking a pic when I see cake that is adorably cute.

Talk soon!

Hugs & Kisses,

Alilstrange

Buzzing

Am busy buzzing around...E's honeybees in my espresso are oh so helpful.

Until I have time to sit and write, please be patient. Will dump some pics...

Who luvs ya baby?

Mwah

xoxo

PS...need to upgrade my OS, my blog site, and technology...if you can help, drop me a comment ;)

Yum!