She's A Little Strange...

On Coming Back

2012-01-26T19:07:00.000-08:00

Hey Friends,

Writing about this experience is helping me to get the thoughts and words out, so I'm going with it.

That, and spending some much needed downtime at various coffee shops reading, and writing: two of my biggest loves. (yes, in addition to working out, photography, fashion, etc...)

So it's been a week since I left the hospital, and quite honestly, I have felt myself going crazy, while at other times, I have enjoyed the time off and the ability to sleep in and actually recover.

I had repeat lab work done this week to help my doctor determine when I'm ok to return to work. Those included: bloodwork, an ultrasound and chest x-ray. I should get the results next week.

My biggest hurdle? Getting rid of the JUNK. And when I say junk, I mean junk food. I got into some bad habits at the hospital, but in my defense, I had little control over the food I was getting at the time.

But even though I wasn't eating "clean", the food was portioned, and there were distinct meal times. Something that I hugely benefited from.

So the challenge coming home then has been two-fold: the food choices I have been making AND lack of structure. At first, I was ok. I admittedly ate a lot more starchy carbs than I'm used to, but I left the hospital a full 3 lbs lighter than when I went in, so I wasn't worried.

But as I started to move around more and get stronger, I started to reward myself more with sugary-laden junk as a treat, I mean, hey, I deserved it...I survived pneumonia!

Oh the lies we tell ourselves...

And I've been trying to relax. I had a good chuckle at random things I've seen while out, like this book title:

And this blurb in a magazine:

The biggest hit as been my ego and pride at the state of my physical being. For example, today I saw my body in a full length mirror in a store changing room. I was disgusted. Gone are my curvy glutes, my flat abs and defined arms. In their place are a saggy butt, puffed up limbs, and a huge muffin top and additional belly fat.

Basically I have two poles for legs, and a huge Santa belly starting to grow. I am disgusted, and feel...defeated.

I know I went through a lot: my liver enzymes were at an all time high, and I had to be fed potassium by IV to help get it back to regular functionality. The 2nd or 3rd day in, my midsection was so full of water, I had skin overlapping my waist, and looked as though I had gained 15 lbs overnight. It was CREEPY.

And I know there is more to life than looks but, as a former obese girl who battled with binge eating most of my teenage and adult life, this is a HUGE DEAL. Getting my eating under control and having a figure I can be proud of is something that took years, literally, to accomplish.

So...to get myself back on eating right, and off the emotional cookie/cake/ice cream sugar roller coaster, I went and bought myself this:

A girl needs new workout clothes, right?

Plus, my Dad gave me some birthday money, so I decided to treat myself to something positive, and I'm setting up a personal reward system for the next month so I can get back to living a healthy lifestyle food wise, and continue on my journey towards wellness, and recovery.

I also got myself some new workout sweats...I was feeling the Rocky vibe: (and they were on sale, double bonus, only $20 for both items, SCORE!)

And finally, since I finished the first book in the series while in the hospital and this week at home, I got the Next One! *droolz*

I simply cannot wait to find out what happens to Litte Arya, will she survive out on her own?

And what about Jon Snow, the bastard son who joined The Night's Watch?

Plus, I'm dying to see what Lord Tyrion will do next, and of course, Daenerys Stormborn..."daughter of dragons, bride of dragons, mother of dragons," (pg. 806)

Ooooooh, I MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENS! LOL

Night All,

Sweet Dreams, and all that good stuff.

Alistrange
xoxo

Scared, but Happy.

2012-01-22T15:42:00.000-08:00

Something really scary happened to me.

On Wednesday, January 4th, I got sick. I went to bed shivering so hard I couldn't warm up.

Then it got worse.

On Tuesday, January 10th, I was taken to the hospital by ambulance. I called Telehealth at 5:26 am right after I had distinct chest pain for the first time in my life. This was coupled with an extremely severe flu, and endless cough. I hadn't been able to eat anything substantial in days.

Once at the hospital, it was "discovered" that my liver was failing, I had severe gastrointestinal issues, and a chest x-ray revealed pneumonia. My blood pressure was so low, the ambulance attendant thought his readings were wrong, and so kept doing them over, thinking perhaps it was the jostling from the ride.

I almost died. Twice.

Officially, it was streptococcus pneumoniae. Say that three times fast.

Thank God for the amazing staff at Toronto West who consisted of:
The nurses - no, correction, the MOST AMAZING NURSES, the personal support workers, the cleaning staff, the dietitian on staff, the lab techs who wheeled a portable chest x-ray to my bedside on two separate occasions, the respiratory therapist who was on call past midnight, the three different doctors on my "team" who constantly monitored my lab reports, and blood oxygen levels...I hope I didn't forget anyone.

They saved my life - literally.

To the Friends who came and visited me - Thank You! You have no idea how much I needed you. For your company, for your support, and also for the necessities.

You see, when I came to the hospital, I came in what I was wearing. I spent an entire week in the same pair of sweat pants because I had nothing else.

To the Friends who brought me underwear, fresh fruit, and flowers....and later on, clean clothes from home, THANK YOU.

And now, that I've been home for 4 days...I am feeling almost like normal. And yet...I'm complete terrified.

I have to move in one week.
I have a shit-load of things to get rid of, and try to sell.
I had to hire movers because I'm not supposed to be "over doing" it. Not to mention I couldn't find anyone to help me.
The mere thought of hiring a U-haul had me paralyzed.
I'm not coping very well.
OH! And I spent my 36th birthday in the hospital, on an oxygen tube. But at the time, I was just grateful to be alive.

Grateful because Today, I got to spend time doing just a few of the things I love, and I got to take this picture.

Today I enjoyed my time out in public, free from oxygen tubes, and IV drips. I got out my camera, walked around taking pictures in one of my fave neighbourhoods, and enjoyed a lactrose-free latte in one of my fave coffee houses.

I read the paper. I wrote. It was Awesome.

Truth? I'm still incredibly lonely, but mostly I'm in fear of the immediate future.

I'm frightened I will make myself sick again. All of this is in my head, I KNOW this, and yet, the fear is still there.

My work has been amazingly supportive. My boss just wants me to do what is best for me in the long term.

I'm a little scared of my move because it means I'll be moving in with a stranger. More change.

For days I was scared of my appetite....and then I lost 3 lbs. Now that my appetite has stabilized, I'm just scared of over eating out of pure boredom and emotional eating.

It's now past 6pm, and all I want is to be held and cuddled. I just want someone to hold me, rub my back, and tell me, "Everything is Going to Be OK."

But for now, I'll just hug my pillow, call my Mom, and send out messages of Gratitude and Thanks.

I will get up, make my meals, do my laundry, clean my bathroom, pack, talk to my friends, and Just Keep Going. Because hey, that's life, n'est-ce pas?

Stay Strong Peeps, Never Give up, K?

Love ya,
Alistrange

Not An Original

2011-12-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

But One I Adore just the same :)

***

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
'O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
You are,
You are!

Pussy said to the Owl, 'You elegant fowl!
How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
But what shall we do for a ring?'
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
With a ring at the end of his nose,
His nose,
His nose,

'Dear pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
Your ring?' Said the Piggy, 'I will.'
So they took it away, and were married next day
By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
They danced by the light of the moon,
The moon,
The moon,

~Edward Lear~
*Courtesy of http://www.nonsenselit.org/Lear/ns/pussy.html

Fun

2011-12-18T00:02:00.000-08:00

Baby It's Cold Outside

2011-12-05T15:59:00.000-08:00

Old Words

2011-12-04T15:30:00.000-08:00

Consumed.

“You,” she said,

“You made me feel cheap. And used. And I'm not in love with you anymore.”

***

And Then she Leaped

Fell over the Edge

Into Madness

Consumed with Grief and Loneliness

With Thoughts of More...

More What?

What would Quench this Hunger?

Like a Moth to a Flame...

***

Flip It.

Reach to the Light.

Let the Flame be the Sun, the Moon, and the Stars.

Dreams – Because it's Ok to Dream.

Dream BIG, Never EVER Stop Believing...and just have some FUN!

Peace,

Alistrange

xoxo

Speak

2011-11-22T00:58:00.000-08:00

When Silly Meets Frugal

2011-11-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

And they have a Party,

They Create what I like to call...

Hmm, actually on this one I'm stumped...ideas please! Leave a comment with your Suggestions on a name.

Ingrediants:

1 egg yolk - Healthy Fat
1/2 scoop protein powder/125mL liquid egg white substitute - Protein
1/4 cup spaghetti squash - Starchy carb
1/4 cup frozen mixed berries - Fruit
1/2 cup alfalfa sprouts - Veggie

Mix in Magic Bullet.
Pour onto pan, cover and cook.
Put on plate.
"Dress" accordingly. (this means, put whatever spice-a you like-a on top!)

Voila, 1 meal to go, or eat in. Can be portable...if you wish! :)

Enjoy!

Oh Hope...and Happiness

2011-11-16T23:38:00.000-08:00

Oh Happy Day!

2011-11-15T18:11:00.000-08:00

Hurray!

Payday = Bills Day = Sad Face.

And then...THIS arrived

Alls well that ends well.

:)

Peace Y'all,

Alilstrange

Silence

2011-11-15T00:08:00.000-08:00

A Review: My New Nano

2011-11-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

Good Evening Ladies and Gents,

Hope this finds you well. :) Seriously, what's wrong with this picture? Think on it as a riddle...leave a comment below on your thoughts on this!

This is more what I'm into:

Here's where I make my Magic...or as I like to say, "Makin Love in the Kitchen"

And a review of my latest purchase: the ipod nano.

Check it:

My Review of the ipod nano

First off, the reason I upgraded is because my old nano died a slow death at around the 2 year mark. This is about standard in my personal experience. And as usual, it chose to die right when I needed it the most - when I was final contest prep mode, and needed my music to get me through my workouts while already exhausted and carb depleted.

Ok, so whine session over. I am still a student, but I'm working full time so while I'm on an extremely limited budget, certain things are priorities to me. My ipod is hands down, one of those things. So I marched into the apple store and asked whether they had any student discounts.

(I also am obsessed with price shopping, coupons, and getting the best deal in town. Yes, I'm THAT girl.)

Turns out they don't have a student discount, BUT, you can trade in your old ipod for 15% off a new purchase. Plus, this enables them to recycle your used ipod, so it's a win/win scenerio.

First off, I love the small size, and the fact that it has an FM radio already built in. With my old nano, I had to plug in an external device to get the radio, so major score on reducing the amount of "stuff" I need to carry around with me.

Secondly, it has the Nike + Fitness built in, and I already have the receiver on one of my pairs of workout shoes (Nike Frees), so score with that too. This way I can track my run times without a watch, since I'm currently watchless (well ok, just sport-watchless, I have a watch to wear to the office, but it's not digital) and don't have any other way to keep track unless I'm at the gym on a treadmill.

(Got my eye on a G Shock, but it's not a priority right now. I used to have a Timex but somehow lost it this past year, and want to replace it with something more funky - will review the Timex on another post)

My own and only complaint with this new Nano is that I miss the actual button.

1 - I'm an active person, and use my ipod for workouts. So I need a button to hit, for when I am all sweaty, or wearing gloves for an outside workout. That goes ditto for when I'm wearing my gloves on the way to work.

This Nano ONLY has a touch screen, so while it looks cool and shiny, the missing button is a MAJOR design flaw.

2 - I know you can clip this particular Nano into a wristband to wear as a watch, but why didn't they make an armstrap?

Yes, you can clip it onto your clothing but, that's not really all that secure, nor weather safe.

So, my recommendations:

1 - Keep the size, add a button so I can stop/start the music, switch playlists, etc when I'm on the treadmill. (Hmmm...maybe there is a headpone that has on it I can upgrade to when this one kicks it...if you know of a good one, lemme know!)

2 - Design a good armband protector for us outdoor fitness geeks with (preferably) neoprene fabric for durability, and a clear screen cover for the actual ipod touchy screen section.

Et voila!

Come on iPod Universe...hear my call!

Ha ha ha

Cheers Y'all,
Alilstrange

Friday Jam

2011-11-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...

2011-11-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

On Being Strange...

2011-10-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

Hello,

My name is _____.

I'm not Strange, or Different. Who am I?

I Am:

A Loner.
A Dreamer.
An Imperfect Perfectionist.
A Dissallusioned Illusionist.

Master of Disguise,
Stuck in my own Demise.

Oh the thoughts of the 'lil one they call Strange.

Once again falling into the hole of Silence.

Why do they Reject me?
This is what I ask myself
When sleep illudes me.

When the oblivion doesn't come.
And the Pain turns me Numb.

I sink, I swim, I fly.

Not able to Talk,
Old memories they do Stalk,
And so I Fight, I Bark, and I Walk.

Ipod goes on,
Music goes in.
To drown out the thoughts that Race.

You were the One who saw through all the crap. All my masks.

And then you just completely shut me out.

Guess I had it comin'

Peace.

Alilstrange,
xoxo

Overheard...

2011-10-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I crack up at the snippets of conversations I overhear while at work, or on the subway. Other times, I am simply moved, or grateful to hear a message I really need to hear.

So I am going to add something new to the blog, which is simply, "Overheard."

Today's entry is brought to by two men sitting outside on a patio, finishing their meal. The meal is winding up, as made clear by the empty coffee cups.

I was sitting nearby, enjoying a pre-movie Skinny Vanilla Latte (shout out to my other addiction, Starbucks). This was just 2 weeks after my heart had been broken by a man I thought I was going to share my life with.

It seemed I wasn't the only one suffering a broken heart, as evidenced by what you're about to read next.

***

Location: Outdoor patio at Bloor St. Diner, 8:00 pm.

First Man: Why did I marry a whore?

Second Man: Well, I think she married you.

What's the lesson in this moment kiddies? For me, it was knowing that we all suffer some form of heartbreak and disappointment at various times of our lives. It helped me to feel as though I wasn't the only one.

I'm not Alone.

That in itself is enough to flip my mood back to the bright side of life. Because trust me, I've been struggling with that a lot lately.

I refuse to give up, not without a fight. And fight I shall...

So to all of you, all of us, who have been through a terrible loss, whatever that loss is, I say, You Are Not Alone.

Talk it out, meet a friend for coffee, call someone on the phone, or text a friend. Use Twitter if you have to, or Facebook, Google+, whatever. The point is, reach out to someone.

And if you're on the other side of that text, or phone call, and you can hear the fear or pain in someone's voice, take the time to listen.

You could be saving a life.

***

Someone who lost that battle, and who's death shocked and saddened me greatly, was Alexander McQueen. So in tribute to him, I want to say, Thank You.

Thank you for sharing your genius with the world, thank you for your passion and spark. For not only being expertly skilled in your Craft, but for just being you. The Rebel, the Artist, the Man.

Rest in Peace, I pray that you are now truly at Rest, and can feel the love so many of us feel.

Cheers,

Alilstrange
xoxo

HA HA HA

2011-10-06T08:43:00.001-07:00

Awesome.

;)

These Boots Were Made For Walkin'

2011-10-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

Sometime a Girl just needs a good pair of boots....

I Simply Remember My Favourite Things...

2011-10-03T19:28:00.000-07:00

And then I don't feel so bad.

Hoʻoponopono

2011-10-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

When those you love and hold near and dear to your heart are in pain, it's hard to know what to do. Suffering is never easy for anyone, even when it's not your own self who is the injured person.

One of the things I learned about this year was Ho'oponopono. For those inquisitive minds, here's a link to more detail about it from the ever handy Wikipedia site:

Wiki Ho'oponopono Info

Basically, it goes like this...

I'm Sorry.
Please Forgive Me.
I Love You.
Thank you.

Personally, I prefer it in this order...

Thank You.
I'm Sorry.
Please Forgive Me.
I Love You.

But that's just Me.

Things I've Broken So Far

2011-09-28T22:21:00.000-07:00

1. One of my fave 'lil Grindley Staffordshire bowls.

Dropped it.

2. Bottle of Olive Oil.

Dropped it. On the Floor. While prepping my last meal one night a few weeks ago. Took me 1.5 hours to clean. Had to pull the fridge and stove out to get at the oil that spilled underneath it. Oh, and had to run down to the corner store for paper towels, another plastic bucket, mesh gloves to pick up the glass shards, and a new broom.

I highly recommend NEVER doing this.

Especially when you're contest dieting, and it's your last meal of the day.

Brutal.

3. A second bowl.

This time it was one of my glass Ikea bowels. Because I had the brilliant idea I would heat up my chicken and beef combo in the toaster oven, so as to warm it before putting it on my salad. (I like to play around with hot/cold combinations with my meals, along with crunchy/soft textures.)

Lesson: glass bowls do NOT go in the toaster oven. D'oh!

4. My Hair Dryer.

Ok, so this one I can't really take any credit for. And in all honestly, the experience had me laughing, albeit, on the inside, after all was said and done. It happened just yesterday morning.

I kid you not - I was innocently drying my bangs, when all of a sudden, the motor went into hyper fast mode, and started to smell as though it was burning. I then had the, (again, brilliant I might add) idea that I would just switch the setting to the lower one and use it for just 5 more seconds before I shut it off. Only my smoke detector thought otherwise....and so at 4:30 am, Wednesday September 28th, I set off my fire alarm.

I'm sure my neighbours appreciate it. I mean, they must already adore me for the noise I make when I wake up in the middle of the night and decide to start cooking. But this, THIS I'm sure they just Loved.

Capital L.

Had to run to the balcony to open the door, but wasn't exactly decent. (I had just gotten out of the shower, and I live alone...you figure it out.) So I threw on my coat, while mad thoughts of "OMG OMG OMG what if I am the cause of evacuating the entire building at 4:30 am, over a HAIR DRYER?!? While being ENTIRELY NAKED?!?!"ran through my head.

Sigh. The things I do, I tell ya...

For the record, I managed to shut it off by fanning the towel underneath it, but I think the spike in my heart rate alone at that time should count as my cardio contribution for the day. Sheesh.

5. And finally, although they can't count as being broken, I've managed to lose my Ironman sportswatch, my Swiss Army knife, and gone through another pair of Nike Frees in record time.

That being said, I'm oh so proud of what I've accomplished since January of this year.

Sometime you just have to step back, and count all the Good things you done so far. Sure, you have made a lot of personal sacrifices, and sometimes I end the days crying into my pillow, or while in the shower. But there's nothing wrong with releasing a few tears.

Entirely Normal.

I just sit back, on my (also broken) Canadian Flag camping chair on the balcony, and contemplate my day. I finish off most evenings sipping my Instant Decaf served with a drop of Stevia, a 'lil bit of cinnamon, and a dash of powdered cocoa, and count off the 10 Positive things I've done this day that serve towards the accomplishment of my goals. It's Something I Learned from Ray, my wonderful Trainer.

And while I sip, I also give Thanks - thanks to all the 'lil lessons I've learned along the way, and to all the Friends I've made since moving back here.

Friends like D, a man I like to call, The Sheriff.

So in closing, I'd like to share with you a 'lil exchange I often have with The Sheriff, after he's helped me out once again by teaching me something new on the job.

Alilstrange: "Sanks!"

The Sheriff: "Velcro."

And with that, let's Embrace Another Day, shall we kiddies?

I'm Game.

Giv 'er.

Cheers,
Alilstrange

...

2011-09-28T02:41:00.000-07:00

Mental Health Days

2011-09-27T06:38:00.000-07:00

I can't remember ever being this stressed out about so many things in my life as I am right now.

So, in an effort to reduce my stress, and have some fun, I've been investing some time and money on the pursuit of What Makes Me Happy.

Like going to Come Get Customized on Yonge Street,

and getting this t-shirt made...

I was inspired by something I said earlier that morning to a random stranger when I saw him struggling with a pack of matches. I was sitting across the street on a patio drinking coffee when I saw him come out of the Aroma Espresso Bar. (Another one of my fave places here in Toronto) We had a good laugh, it lasted about...oh 3 seconds, and it was one of those 'lil stories I still picture in my head.

Anyways, you should check 'em out, I had a lot of fun doing it, and it only took about 20 mins. ;)

Nice.

So how else have I been working on faire La La La Lynda heureuse? (that's making Lynda happy btw)

Well, not that you asked, but I've been doing things like going to art exhibits, buying myself some new art supplies, making bracelets, drawing, exploring different coffee shops around the city...all things that I love doing. Basically, I love to Create.

Oh, and of course, taking lots and lots of pictures as I go about my Wanderings. Basically, documenting my life the way I see it - as a set of pictures.

Remember Friends, as J.R.R. Tolkien once wrote, Not all those who wander are lost.

***

All that is gold does not glitter

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.^[1]

^{~J.R.R. Tolkien~}

So Good I Had to Share

2011-09-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

MOVE from Rick Mereki on Vimeo.

Sunday FUNday

2011-09-25T06:29:00.000-07:00

Holla Peeps!

I hope you're having a relaxing day, and if you're one of the people who works Sundays, then I hope you're making the best of it in any way that you can.

Today I want to share with you some super quick photos as part of a self-taught course I'm taking right now on How To Learn How To Use My Camera.

He he.

I adore photography, and it was something I studied in high school. So I decided to take it up again, partly for fun, partly for business, and also to help me build up my portfolio for Art School.

Right now I'm just learning how to make use of all the features, and playing with light, colour, etc.

And being as I have a thing for birds, I would like to introduce you to 'lil friend.

I don't have a name for him/her yet, so for now we'll just call it Bird.

And so, without further ado, allow me to introduce....

BiRd

Tweet Tweet!

Have a Great Sunday Everyone, Be Good.

Cheers,
Alilstrange

Competition Prep

2011-09-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

Hello Peeps,

Long time no chat. I know, I know, the fault is all mine - what can I say, except to say..."I've been busy."

Busy doing what?

Well...let's see...

Since January I have:

1. Moved to a new city.
2. Started a new job.
3. Lost my wallet, and had to replace every piece of identity.
4. Been in a weird, short-term relationship that, thankfully, ended before it went too far.
5. A close member of my family was diagnosed with cancer. (who as of last week is in partial remission, so don't you worry you'selves peeps...I've got Fighter genes, my Family was born with survival instinct, we's alll good.)
6. I'm commuting an hour each way morning and night for work which sucks, but I'm paying the bills...barely.
7. Struggled with trying to learn how to pay off my debt, and yet still survive. It's still a major struggle.

8. Battled my addictive/anxiety-ridden/depressive personality on my own, without the aid of the Good 'ol Doc. (yeah, I should really be in therapy still...)

Oh, who am I kidding, I battle it every single day of my Life.

Meh, I'm Human.

9. Re-joined the gym after a few months of near starving myself after developing a fear of food, and subsequently stressing myself out to the point of not being able to digest ANY solid food.
10. Still have not managed to find a way to get back to school. But don't fret...I'm working that one out. Just have to move first...egads.

Oh, and did I mention the two trips to the ER in the same day? I didn't?

Whoops...

Well part of that is because I didn't want my Mom to worry about me too much, as she has a lot going on in her life. And I know she reads this blog. So for most of the time, my one outlet - this writing, was non-existent. Not to mention I simply didn't know when I could find the time.

Once I started the downward spiral of depression and despair (hey, it was a cold, long winter...cut me some slack) I knew I had to take measures into my own hands, and take some responsibility for myself and my own survival.

So, I did what worked for me before, all those years ago...I hired a Personal Trainer at the Gym.

BEST DECISION I EVER MADE.

That was back in June.

It is now nearing the end of September, and the version of Me that exists Today, is completely different than just a few months ago. Maybe not so much on the outside, (although I am looking better, if I may say so myself) but the different inside, is HUGE.

Put simply, I have Hope again.

To quote Kyle Holland, I am once again embracing a Belief in myself, that I Can and Will achieve my Dreams, but repeating this many, many times:

Fanatical unrelenting stubborn belief in yourself.

Don't even think about entertaining the though or a whisper of anything else.

Oh yeah, and one last thing...I'm training for the IDFA Show to be held here in Toronto, on November 5, 2011 in the Women's Fitness Model Novice Category. My amazing Coach and Trainer will be competing in the Men's Pro Bodybuilding category. This will be the 2nd time for both of us. We have both completed some pretty major body/life transformations to get ourselves to this point, and we both have BIG dreams, and BIG goals.

Oh, and he totally kicks my butt in the gym, but I do my best to keep him laughing.

He calls me Crazy.

Ha ha, imagine that? :) I swear I've heard that before somewhere...

Training and dieting is going well, but I'm seriously starting to question my own Sanity.

Why?

Stay Tuned...there's a whole lot more to tell you.

But that's about I can muster today folks.

Be Well,

Lotsa Love,

Alistrange
xoxo

Here's something that's giving me energy in the Gym right now.

Enjoy!

All I Really Want

2011-09-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

Is the Starbucks Barrista Italian Roast t-shirt.

WOW

2011-09-21T15:51:00.000-07:00

Today's Victory

2011-09-20T04:09:00.001-07:00

...is that I GOT BACK UP.

Mwah!

Hugs and Kisses,
Alilstrange

A 'lil Love in the Kitchen

2011-09-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

I bring you...Pumpkin, Berry, Coconut, Chocolate-Coffee Muffins!

All they need now is a Proper Name...Suggestions? Leave a comment :)

Randoms

2011-09-18T03:23:00.000-07:00

Steady As She Goes...

2011-09-17T06:59:00.000-07:00

Progress is going well on my training.

The visit home ended on a high note.

I adore my trainer, and have made a new friend in my coach.

The weather has turned colder, which I'm not enjoying, but such is life.

Feeling tired, yeah, but the anxious energy is gone. Kinda miss it in a way, only because it was familiar, but I'm also loving how easy life is getting.

Happiness.

Back To Plan A

2011-08-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

I'm so drained. Been burning the candle at both ends again, and while it's been incredibly rewarding, it's time to take a breather, and relax. I keep having to remind myself that I can only do so many things in a day, and I keep practicing how to let go of my Perfectionistic ways - but only when they don't serve me well. Sometimes, they work for me. It's about figuring out when they are helping or hindering that is the Key. That, and Learning how to Love Myself, a 'lil more, with each passing moment.

Never Give Up.

Return To Nature.

Learn from the Best by surrounding myself with Quality: in Friends, Relationships, and Food.

Why?

Because I'm Worth it.

Continue to be Inspired by What Crosses my Path, and Seek Wisdom in the Words...

"Your love for her is yours, it belongs to you.

She rejects it, but she can't destroy it - she's just missing out on it.

What you give, Momo, is yours for good.

What you keep, is lost forever.

Speak with your Smile."

~Monsieur Ibrahim

Weekends

2011-08-07T05:29:00.000-07:00

Congratulations, It's a Girl

2011-07-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

animal wisdom

2011-06-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Jungle

2011-05-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

Bonjour mes amies d'Ottawa and tout le monde. Je vous manquer beaucoup, mais je suis tres content a ma nouvelle maison en Toronto. Donc, je voudrais que vous me visitez quand c'est conveient pour vous.

Message me to make plans! You know how to get in touch with me ;)

Come for a stroll, a chat, or to do some sight seeing - there is lots of ground to cover.

Mi casa es su casa.

Love as Always,
Alilstrange
xoxo

Advice I Took to Heart

2011-05-25T18:20:00.000-07:00

Take all your problems

And rip 'em apart

Carry them off

In a shopping cart

And another thing

You should've known from the start

The problems in hand

Are lighter than at heart

Be like the squirrel, girl

Be like the squirrel

Give it a whirl, girl

Be like the squirrel

And another thing

You have to know in this world

Cut up your hair

Straighten your curls

Well, your problems

Hide in your curls

-The White Stripes

Woman At Work

2011-05-18T04:48:00.000-07:00

Because sometimes, She just can't help it...

On Doing The Work

2011-05-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

For Mama

Prayer

We shall pass through this world but once

Therefore, any good thing I can do,

For any living being,

Let me do it now.

Let me not defer it or neglect it,

For I shall not pass this way again.

Anon

On Being Strange

2011-05-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

A Story in 3 Parts

On Being a Jerk...

2011-05-14T18:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, my immaturity and attempt to establish some self confidence translates into too much self promotion and the I's start taking over.

Oops.

*Face palm*

And that's when it hits me.

“Stop talking so much,” says I, “and start Listening.”

Le Sigh.

Sometimes my To Don't lists are bigger than my To Do ones.

Less Talk, More Action.

Are you buckled in? Good.

Enjoy the Ride!

Adrenaline

2011-05-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

The flight or fight response varies in animals...for example: Chameleons change colour, while rabbits stay perfectly still.

Hmmm...what if you possess elements of both?

(Too much caffeine makes for disrupted sleep patterns, oops!)

In any case, alls I'm trying to say is this: As much as we are Different, We are all the Same.

Case in point...I get all kinds of reactions based on the choices I make daily. Whether or not I smoke, what I choose to eat or drink, even down to the kind of coffee I consume.

Seriously though, does it all really matter? Sure it does, sometimes...but for the most part, consider this: maybe I'm just at a different stage of my path, and we all have our own personal journeys to take.

Life is Life peeps.

Some days, as the Good Doc says, "Let People Be Your Medicine."

Don't be hatin'. Give a 'lil Love...

Play

2011-05-11T00:45:00.000-07:00

Do What Moves You!

Backstory: For those of you just joining us, allow me to provide a little context to today's post.

Last summer, when I was recovering from my PTSD breakdown, I took up art classes.

Art was something I had long ago given up on as a child, believing I wasn't good enough to pursue what I really loved. I spent much of my youth living in an anxious/depressed state due to multiple factors, but no one needs to hear another sob story. Basically, the more sad things that I experienced, the more I gave up the things I loved doing, and turned to other means of coping. I engaged in Behaviours that made me sick.

So last summer, in my ongoing attempt to Light Up the Darkness, I took up Art again.

At the time, my friend Leigh asked me to share some photos of my work. I didn't, because I hemmed and hawed due to not wanting to show an unfinished product, and then eventually, life events caught up with me. And I just never posted them.

Now that the Winter is over, Spring has awakened my passions once again. And for this reason, I felt like sharing something that I created.

Just Because.

I hope you like it.

And if not, well, no big deal.

Just close your browser window, and move onto the next picture.

Leigh, this one's for you. Thank you for all the ways in which you inspire me. Your words give me goosebumps, and I am grateful for the way you came into my life, and brought your Friends with you to welcome me in with open arms.

Cheers,

Alistrange

Recharging Aboard the Renaissance Train

2011-05-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

Observations, Thoughts and Mental Chatter:

1 really cute couple sittings one row behind me on the left: Boyfriend scored points by buying breakfast, and bringing it on board where I was tortured by the delicious smell of home fries. Thank God for coffee and chocolate.

The woman in the red coat in front of me at the luggage check counter was really well put together. Loved her bracelet, coat, and boots. Aspire to be just as calm and organized one day.

Mornings are still my favourite time of day for travel.

Taxi driver was a real gentleman. He had three children, and kept his cab neat and tidy. Was impressed by his kindness, and sincerity. Once again was told that I need to: a) find a nice boyfriend, and b) watch out for those boys from Toronto. Very sweet indeed. Kinda wished I had that influence when I was a teenager...

I do my best writing after coffee and/or exercise. The fog dissipates, and my thoughts are crystal clear. Flow is achieved. The addition of the movement of the train makes it all the more powerful. Once again, movement wins.

It's Time to revisit my Plan, and re-commit.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

2011-05-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

Thoughts

2011-05-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

There is no situation you cannot escape from.

Breathe Breathe Breathe.

Follow the White Rabbit...

Remember Remember...

2011-05-07T04:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when Life gets too Crazy, I lose my Focus.

So right now I need to keep posting so as to remember exactly what IT is that I am trying to achieve.

Now is the time to Remember the Training.

It's showtime, and I can't throw in the towel just yet.

Am I tired?
Yes.

Can I think clearly?
No.

Will I get some much needed Rest and Recovery?
No.

Oops...and there is my problem right there. It's hitting me in the head every time I move, think, breathe - basically any time I get up and do ANYthing right now.

I need to press forward, and stop looking back. Because living in the Past is Making me Sick again, and it's killing me.

I'm losing my appetite, and I can't stop Moving. This has got to stop.

I'll Sleep when I'm Dead...

***

There's a Fire in there...

2011-05-03T02:49:00.000-07:00

So, what did YOU do today?

2011-05-01T15:48:00.000-07:00

Life is for Living, so Live it Up.

Take Care,

Alistrange

xoxo

Every Day Counts

2011-04-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

That which matters most should never give way for that which matters least...and so for Today, I need to remember the Breath.

***

"Breathe, Breathe, Breathe," she told herself, as she pushed herself past her own limits, each and every time she brought her arm up in the air.

The iron bell was heavy in her hand, but she kept that elbow locked, eyes up high, and focused on her form.

The only thing in her mind at that moment was how to complete the movement in 4 parts. The instructor had shown it to her twice. He broke it down into 4 separate movements for her, and she mimicked them with an intensity so sharp and focused, it was as if she was enabled by an invisible force.

The mantra played out in her mind as she moved, "A man distracted is a man defeated."

It didn't matter that these words were something she had seen in a movie, nor that she was the only one who heard them. She never uttered them aloud, merely played them out in her head. Over and over, with haunting precision.

Repetition.

Movement.

These were the actions that kept her from falling apart. So long as she forced herself to keep moving, she could fight through the desire to lie down and give in to the exhaustion. Physical exertion was how she stayed alive, because it was what distracted her from her heartache, and loneliness.

Improve the position.

"There is always room for improvement, " she muttered to herself as she practiced the moves, over and over until she couldn't finish one more set.

Finally, it was over. Glancing up at the clock, she prided herself on how tired she felt, and at how she think she impressed the instructor with her hard work. The sweat poured off her face in small streams, and sprayed out when she exhaled.

Finished.

Now she could pack up, and go home. Now she will be able to eat her dinner without guilt, or even emotion. It will just be the fulfillment of a basic, human need. Animalistic in nature. This upcoming meal will have no emotional attachment, and therefore it will not haunt her the next day.

"It's going to feel really good to eat after this," she told the instructor.

Jared was his name, "Yeah, and now is the time to eat a good meal!"

"Indeed," she thought to herself.

Now, I can eat.

***

Alilstrange needs your help today with some energy requirements.

Mum is going in for surgery, and I need all your thoughts, prayers, mantras, wishes, hopes, and Smiles to concentrate on looking after her, and sending her back to me and my Family.

We love her very much, and would really miss her if she were to leave.

Thank you, and Peace be with You.

See you on the morrow,

Inshallah.

Love and Kisses,

Alilstrange

This Way...

2011-04-26T03:09:00.000-07:00

...to the Station.

Thrice As Nice

2011-04-25T02:42:00.000-07:00

The Phoenix

2011-04-24T17:26:00.000-07:00

The Phoenix

Keeper of the Fire of Creation

Represents death and rebirth.

Transformation and Regeneration.

Protector of all fire.

This totem gives hope in the midst of despair.

Helps you transform your life into something purer and brings you closer to spiritual awareness. Call upon the Phoenix for strength and renewed energy when facing trials of life.

Symbolizes the Sun, dying every night to be reborn with the dawn.

The Chinese believe that the Phoenix has been sent to Earth to help the development of mankind.

Unknown

On not having roots...

2011-04-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not Mad.

I'm a Nomad.

Crazy?

Yes please!

Alilstrange.

Middle

2011-03-27T13:44:00.001-07:00

IMAG0009, a photo by alilstrange on Flickr.

End

2011-03-27T13:43:00.001-07:00

IMAG0010, a photo by alilstrange on Flickr.

Egg and Toast

2011-03-27T13:32:00.001-07:00

IMAG0008, a photo by alilstrange on Flickr.

Paint By Numbers...

2011-03-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

Someone told me recently I painted a pretty picture with my Words.

That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

It made my day.

***

Having an artistic mindset sometimes makes me feel less than Human.

Why is that?

Well, I think it's because I feel that Being Creative, or ArTsY, means that people think I'm Crazy. Crazy in the bad sense of the word, and that I'm not Normal.

Sometimes, when I'm strong and secure, I embrace not being Normal - other times it just makes me feel small.

Insignificant.

Forget me Not.
For I know not Why I Feel this Way Today...Except to say that I know exactly why I feel the way I do. (Lack of sleep, rest, water, and Greens. Too much sugar, not enough Movement.)

I am Broken.

I am Nameless.

I am Whole, and FUll of Pain.

I am Swollen, Inflamed, Empty, and my blood sugar is too sweet, my body aches all over, and my Heart is brittle and weak today. My words are scattered, my mind is fretful and I want to disappear.

I hate to complain, but I need to get the bad feelings out.

Breathe will calm me.
Yoga will stretch out my aching body.
Friends will pick up the phone when I call and tell them I Love Them.

Hugs & Kisses all around today.

Don't Worry, Says I...Put on a Happy Face, and the World is a Better Place.

Mischief Managed.

Alilstrange

Born to Survive...

2011-03-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

Now Hear This!

2011-02-14T18:06:00.000-08:00

The Power of Three

Kevin Larabee, Dr. Jonathan Fass, and Leigh Peele bring you The Fitcast:

Check it here===> http://thefitcast.com/episode-204-the-big-announcement

Roger Lawson, the One and Only brings you his Sexification

Check it here===> http://www.roglawfitness.com/

Leigh Peele, The Lighthouse - The True Original Here===> http://www.leighpeele.com/

***

See you on the Flip side, Inshallah.

xoxo, Alilstrange

Word Vomit

2011-02-12T17:04:00.000-08:00

Hey Peeps,

Alilstrange here, just hopping in for a 'lil update to let you know this 'lil Bunny is still kickin' it.

I'm feeling very much like a 'lil Changling at the moment, so I wanted to let you know that there is a lot going on in my head.

There's a lot going on in the World too...Change is Everywhere. Just turn on the news, and read about what is happening in Egypt.

World Wide Revolution Baby.

***

Being as I tend to get personal, I figure I would give you a bit of view into my Life since I last posted. But I'm still composing my thoughts on that, so for now I'll just say that I've been through a bit of a personal Hell ride, to be perfectly honest.

Don't you worry yo'self though, because while I have been through hell and back, I'm once again Stronger as a result. As a result of all that I experienced since December 28th, the day I drove to my new City to start my New Life, I have evolved once again into a different person. It all came to a crushing arc two nights ago when I experienced one of the lowest moments I have felt in years...but I Survived.

I became Terrified to fall asleep because I was afraid I might not wake up.

For any of you out there who have battled Anxiety and Depression, you know what that feeling is like.

For those of you who have never been initiated, consider yourself Blessed.

Be Grateful.

But, I'm older now, and I have learned a lot of this Crazy Joyride called Life, so this time I did something Wise...I picked up the phone, and I called a Friend.

I also reached out through my Blackberry to another Bonded Soul.

Two Energies that night. One Male, One Female.

And I, once again, became the Girl who Lived to Tell Another Tale.

Thank God.

***

Somethings things pop out of my mouth with no warning.

Ok, that's not entirely accurate...

I'd say that this happens more often that I would like. So, it's not sometimes, it's a LOT of time.

It bothers me.

***

There's a song by Two Door Cinema Club called, "I Can Talk," and I feel like it puts into words a feeling that I can't express quite as eloquently as they do...

Now I can talk, no one gets off

(I know how you like to)

Now I can talk, no one gets off

I can talk now, and I can't seem to shut up.

In fact, I'm talking so much that I find I don't write as much. And I miss writing, I really do. But I haven't had much time for it, because I've been focusing on surviving.

It's been a rough ride. And I really want to share it with you All, but a part of me feels like I need to journal it out privately first, and then edit it for my own personal use.

In fact, the kind of writing I want to be posting on here is something I have given a lot of thought towards. I want to pull the reigns in, and really gather my thoughts into more structured compositions, and less Free Form Flow.

And so, that means it's Time To Get Organized.

So that is what I'll be focusing on for the next 'lil while...but don't worry, I'm still Here.

I'm Always Around.

Year of the Rabbit.

Hip Hop and You Don't Stop...

Word.

***

Ooops...I Did it Again!

2011-02-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

He he he...

But it's all good, right?

It just means I'm on the comeback trail.

Stay Tuned Peeps...there's a Wave coming down at Las Olas, and I'm ready to pop up.

Cheers!

xoxo
Alilstrange

A Toast to New Beginnings...

2011-01-01T05:54:00.000-08:00

Good Morning Beautiful People!

Alilstrange is writing today's post from your Friendly Neighbourhood Starbucks, and making use of the free Wifi.

Long Live Free Wifi!

Seriously, I can't wait until more and more establishments and cities wake up to the fact that wifi service is the way of the future, and should be free of charge.

It is of my opinion that Education should also be free, but that is another argument for another day. ;)

Today I just want to revel in the Happy Feelings of Joy I am experiencing right now as a direct result of having accomplished a major goal. And I'm not down yet, I've only just begun! But I'm energized, rejuvenated, and ready to take some major action towards realizing the Life of My Dreams.

Ready to come with Me?

All aboard then, let's ride this Crazy Train of Life, Love, and Happiness together as we Fight the Dark and Cold Dreariness of Depressive Anxious living.

Because really folks, can you really equate Living with Depression and Anxiety?

I know I can't...it has plagued me my whole Life, ever since Alilstrange was a wee 'lil pipsqueak, but I'm Stronger now, because I'm a Survivor.

And I'm Here to Share with you Lessons I have Learned, and I want to Inspire you to Do the same thing with your Own Beautiful Life.

Join Me.

Together we can make Beautiful Things Happen!

Cheers,

Alilstrange
xoxo

Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T21:04:00.000-08:00

Arrived.

2010-12-31T14:17:00.000-08:00

Dear NoWhere Man,

I dream of you when I'm alone in my bed at night. I show you things I see as I explore my new neighbourhood, and my new home. I ache for someone to hold me close, to keep me warm at night.

Where are you? I'm Ready.

Come and get me, if you're serious. I'm Here.

You know how to get in touch with, because we know the same people, and when you told me to call you, I did.

Your turn. ;)

***

Today I sat in the coffee shop catching up on my correspondence, and sat across from a married man who was also working on his laptop.

I know he was married because of the ring on his finger, but I also noticed that he didn't try to flirt with me. He totally got brownie points for that by the way...

I plugged in his laptop cord for him, and we both were quite content to get our own work done without interrupting the other. At one point I inquired as to whether his wireless was still working, since mine had stopped, but beyond that we minded our own business. We were both there to work, after all.

But then an interesting thing happened. He received a phone call, and being as I was sitting across from him, I couldn't help but to overhear it.

Granted, all I heard was one side of the conversation, but I have every reason to believe he was talking to his wife. And even if he wasn't, in my own mind and imagination he was...because he was talking to her and taking care of her in a way that I long for in my own life.

This is how it went...

***

Strange Man on Phone: "Hey, what's going on. Oh my god, are you alright? Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it. You just take care of you."

Then he promptly packed up all his belongings, and right before he was about to leave, he made one last phone call.

"Hey I'm worried about you, are you ok?"

And THAT's when I melted.
On the spot.

But quietly, and all the while maintaining my Perfect Poke Face.

***

Some days, a scene like that is enough to make me retreat into myself into a world of longing and despair. My own personal heartache can sometimes be too much to bear.

But today, I was still enjoying my Happy Hour of my Post Workout Glow. I had just been to my new gym, which is across the street from my new apartment, and I had just had an amazing workout.

I met a serious lifter there, who told me I had the Perfect Smile for commercials. He told me I should get into toothpaste ads. He then went on to tell me how he could tell I was a bodybuilder because of my deadlifting form.

Nice.

He is 65, and he opened the conversation by commenting on my Atticus T-shirt. The purple one, with the yellow bird in front.

It's one of my Favourites.

Anyways, he showed me his weight lifting belt, and all the well worn in notches where he had been at various competitive weights. It was so nice having this chat with him, as I had just tried to befriend a young woman at the gym's ONE and ONLY rack.

She totally blew me off.

Hmph.

Why are women like this by the way? Irritates me to no end...mind you, her bad attitude was the first one I had encountered on my Journey Back Home thus far. But it's funny how the bad interactions with people are the ones that really stand out, aren't they?

Interesting.

So me and BB, (those are his initials) had a great conversation about the finches on his rooftop, dead birds in the city, powerlifting, and how I can get into doing some acting work. He recommended that I find a good casting company, and start doing work as an extra.

Cool eh?

I thanked him, and honestly, it just felt really good to have made a friend. He assumed I already knew the man in charge of the gym, so I told him no, that I had only just moved to the city and that was my first day there. So I introduced myself by name, and went to shake his hand.

We have a mutual disdain for people who don't put their own weights away, and for being passionate about keeping fit.

Overall, an awesome workout and an incredible encounter. I had been feeling a 'lil lonely and depressed in the morning, so I knew I was in need of a pick-me-up mood booster. I'm so glad I made the healthy choice to hit up the gym instead of resorting to a vice like shopping, or eating.

He totally made my day!

***

I have been taking a ton of pictures of my new hood too, and have been getting inspired as to how I want to put my apartment together.

I even almost have a part-time job lined up at a kitchen goods store, so I can take advantage of the discount in order to buy the key things I need to cook with. Mainly I want to buy a nice espresso maker, but those suckers are EXPENSIVE.

Ha ha ha, but I've come to a point in my life where I feel like it's ok to spend money on myself, and I don't need to buy the cheapest thing around because I am worth having nice things.

It's a Good Feeling to have.

And I figured out that not only is it ok to spend money on Quality items, there are still a dozen ways to save money, and I don't need to buy everything Now.

Hmmm...could it be I'm growing up?

Alilstrange thinks the answer to that question is Yes.

And that makes me vera vera Happy.

***

Happy New Year's Eve Peeps! I'm off to a movie with a very good friend of mine. I'm not going to post her name on here, because I haven't yet asked her how she feels about it yet, but we met at the IDFA Figure Competition, and she was one of the first people to reach out to me and tell me to call her as soon as I arrived in Toronto.

And THAT folks, is what Good People Do.

And that's why I Love Her.

She is letting me crash on her couch until I move into my new place, and we are helping each other to Heal, Socialize, and Be Happy.

Friends are sooo important.

Choose your Friends Wisely, and don't be afraid to Edit your Friends List when you need to. Because People change, and some people don't like it when you are changing for the better, because they can't keep up, and some will try to sabotage you, or suck you of all your energy. But one thing I've learned is that good friends don't do that.

Good Friends are more than willing to meet you halfway, and treat you with Respect, Kindless and Loving Attention.

Cheers,

Alistrange
xoxo

To My Darling Nephew...

2010-12-22T23:20:00.000-08:00

Dearest Jonathan,

I know you don't know me. Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Auntie. I'm the One your Mother calls Crazy. But don't worry, she means it in a nice way. He he. We both love to laugh, and this title is always preceded by a Giggle, and a Smile.

Your Mother and I aren't very close, but that is ok. We still love each other very much, and she, like you, is often in my thoughts, even when I am off wandering someplace Far and Away. Sisters are often like that you see, close but distant...or at least, not all sisters, but sometimes the Special ones are.

Your Mother and I are Special. We are bonded in a way that is hard to describe. I wish I could explain it better, with words, but as is often the case - words fail me.

***

I remember the day I got the phone call to find out your Mother was expecting you. I was at work (the good Doctors's office), and knew something important was about to be said because it was so rare to receive a phone call from my Sister.

Then she told me The Most Wonderful News in the World - that she was pregnant, and that I was going to be an Auntie. I was ecstastic! A baby was coming to our 'lil family, and it meant that not only was my Dear Sister about to be a Mom, but that my own Mother was going to be a Grandmother. It was something she always wanted...at least I know in my heart that is True.

It was a Good Day, and it was Great News.

***

You were born the year I turned 30. My Life Changed for the better at 30 - did I ever tell you that? If not, then I apologize, but it's something significant to me, and something I want you to understand. It wasn't until I turned 30 that my own life started to take a turn for the better.

Why is that? Well...that one's a long, and complicated story...and one that I will gladly share with you over Coffee one day, but just not Today.

Today I just want to tell you how much you are Loved, even though it seems like I don't even exist. Well, to be honest, I don't exist...not in your real, day-to-day life at least...and that's not Ok.

But it's all that I can handle at the moment. And for that I am truly Sorry.

So I want you to know, in writing, just how much I love you, and that one day, it is my Dream that I will be able to help your Mother and Father support you in your Education so that you can Become all that you were Born to Become.

So that you can achieve your own Dreams, and make them come true.

Because you Deserve it.

And I want you to know that I have been Witness to all the sacrifices your Mother and Father have made in order to do all they can to give you the best Life, and the best Future imaginable.

I know it probably seems like I am not Aware of any of their struggles, or their pain, but I am. And I say a prayer for Them, and for You, every single Day.

Why?

Because I Love You.
Just the way you Are.

And you are Perfect, in every which way imaginable...and you are Beautiful, in all the ways that Matter the Most.

Merry Christmas Nephew; I'm sorry I'm such a Stranger.

Love,

As Always,

Alilstrange.
xoxo

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

2010-12-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

~Dr. Seuss~

I Really Love That Song

2010-11-12T00:35:00.001-08:00

And if I go there...Would you hear me, screaming at the top of my lungs?

What Are You Worth?

2010-11-07T22:54:00.000-08:00

If you had to put a dollar amount on your worth as an individual, could you?

Ok, so maybe you answered Yes to that question. Now, let's take it one step further, just how much money do you think you are worth?

Tricky question, isn't it?

Do we as humans, as individuals even have a dollar value? Well, society tells us one thing, but human behaviour tells us another. And then this is the 'lil thing they call the Economy.

The simple truth is that Money does make the world go 'round...or Does it? All depends on how much you value having money I suppose, and whether you can get by without it.

Tough one, ain't it?

If you had to put a dollar amount on your Life, your Body, your Soul...could you?

Questions, questions...

Hey, I never said I had the answers, eh? I'm no different from Anybody else. Except to say that I am a Somebody, just like Everyone Else.

***

Sometimes I like to shop when I'm feeling down. I guess it has to do with the idea of treating myself to something nice.

Here's the problem with that logic: things cost money.

Here's the other problem: I have issues with deprivation, and then bingeing.

See where I'm going with this?

I am used to deprivation. I do it well, too well. I do pain and self injury pretty well too. Or, I used to. I don't do that anymore.

Now let me make this very clear...this is NOT Normal. Nor is it Healthy, or Wise. Simply put, it ain't smart Friends, no ifs, ands, or *buts about it.

And yet...I'm driven to do it. Or at least, I used to be.

Why?

Hmmm...this is where once again I have to step back. You see, certain members of my audience could be very hurt by some of the things I could reveal on here. And that is why I choose to keep mum on certain things.

It all comes back to the Golden Rule, which is...First, Do No Harm.

Now, I would like to nominate a Second Rule: What is Understandable, isn't always Acceptable.

Got it?

Good

Now Let's Continue...

***

The Nutcracker has to be one of my favourite Ballets. I may be going to this year's performance, but it's looking less and less like it's going to happen.

Am I bothered by it? Um, a 'lil bit. But I know that my situation right now is only temporary, and that some day in the future I will be able to afford to buy tickets to go.

The Ballet isn't going anywhere, and there is always another year.

Secretly though? I ache to go.

But am I going to let this ache cause me feelings of Sadness and Woe?

Ah Hellz no!

That's right, I am choosing not to focus on the things I don't have, because I am enormously grateful for the things I Do have.

And that's what it's all about.

No Worries, eh?

As my buddy Rog likes to say, "Ain't a thang but a chicken wang on a strang!"

Seriously, dude's hilarious, and one helluva good writer, you have to check out his blog.

Doooo eeeet.

Ha ha ha...damn, that was a good movie.

Sorry, no connection there. That one was just totally random. ;)

***

Back to Dancing...

I Heart to Dance.

Now ask me if I'm any good at it?

Mmmyeah...not so much. I took lessons as a little girl, but for some reason I didn't stay in lessons. Oh wait, now I remember.

At one point, the timing of the next round of classes was off, or SOMEthing like that, and all of a sudden I was placed into an Advanced level class, and told I would be fine, that I was a quick study and would be able to keep up.

Ha ha ha, yeah NO. I need to be shown how to do something from the ground up, and I need constant repetition in order to do it Right, then do it Well, and then to Master it.

And, much to my chagrin, that just didn't happen with me and that Advanced class. So out of sheer frustration, I quit. Because they all knew the basics - they had done their work, and were onto more complicated things.

Me? Well, I was quick, sure, but everyone has their limits.

Am I going to cry about it? No.

Did I ever cry about it? No...or at least, I don't think I did...but maybe I should have. And that is the take away message I need to absorb.

It's ok to cry about something you lost, or never had but really wanted.

Or just to cry when you are Sad.

It's ok to Cry, period.

Things happen in life that make us all Sad, but one of the magical tools we are born with, well, most of us anyways, is the ability to cry.

Crying is a form of release, and it's also something I have had to re-learn how to do.

I'm Happy to say I now cry when I'm sad. Sometimes, I can't control the tears and they just flow, even when I really really don't want to cry.

I might not want to cry if I'm at work, or out in public. Or driving home in my car last Sunday night after one of the most intense days I've had in awhile.

Oops! LOL.

Yeah, I bawled like a baby. Ha ha ha, but you know what? I felt good afterwards. Because I got it out.

Release It.

Let it Go.

It's Ok.

Go ahead and Cry, then be Kind to yourself and do something Nice. I have a few tricks in my bag, a list of sorts - basically, Things That Make Me Feel Better.

Sometimes I paint my nails, or sometimes I take a bubble bath, or sometimes I cuddle up under some blankets and cry in my pillow.

Other times I buy myself some flowers, or go for a walk, or a run. Sometimes I just Talk to People.

Talking to Strangers is a lot easier than talking to Family, well, to me at least. But then, I come from a Family that didn't Talk.

Now you Know.

So what else do I do besides Talk? For some of you who know me in real life, you may actually find it hard to believe I ever shut up. LOL. For others, the fact that I have something to say may indeed shock you. It all depends under what context we met, and our working relationship to one another.

Well, other times, when I don't feel like Talking, I may take pictures with my camera, or draw, or flip through a magazine.

Or sew, or write in my journal, or paint...you get the picture?

Do what makes you feel Good, so long as it's not causing your or anyone else any Harm.

Create Something Beautiful.

Or, share in Something Beautiful with someone you Love, and Create more Love.

Then, when you're done, sit back and admire the work you did - because that's Ok to. You should feel good about what you have created.

Then you may even decide to Show Someone what you made.

A 'lil like Show and Tell, isn't it?

And in the grown up world of Artisans, Actors, Dancers, Writers, Painters, Tailors, Metalsmiths, Designers, Writers, Seamstresses, Make Up Artists, Playrights, Poets and Singers...you can Share it with the World.

We can have our audience of Thousands, or just One.

It's up to you.

Now go on, Create Something!

Have Fun.

Cheers,

Alistrange

xoxo

***

Now check out one of my fave artists Usher.

This one got selected because I just LOVE the scene where they're going through the parking lot. Like, for real, don't you just want to get your posse of friends together and bust out a choreographed dance move on some unsuspecting strangers on an otherwise normal day?

No?

Damn, I thought everyone wanted to do that...he he he. Ok, maybe just some of us do, it's cool, we don't gotta like ALL the same things...

Laterz.

*Ok, this might sound lame, but in this context, is it 'buts' or 'butts'? If you know, please drop me a comment and tell me. Or just leave a comment to say you were here. Pretty please and Thanks!

Me Update

2010-11-07T05:48:00.000-08:00

Holla Bitches,

Alilstrange is slowly coming back to a normal routine again after a whirlwind of activity.

I haven't much time today, because I am devoting my energies to errands, organizing, and visiting people, etc and just basically living life.

It feels good.

On the other hand, I still feel compelled to provide an update of sorts, so he it goes.

For any of you who are interested...LOL, this is what I have accomplished thus far in my Quest for Wellness, yes, my ever onward and upward moving trajectory towards Global Domination...

He he he...

Just jokes on the last part. ;)

***

OK!

So, I now have proof to satisfy the medical community that I'm not all hogwash and paranoia, so this is good.

I'm building my case, so to speak, with my trail of lab reports, ultrasound results and blood work.

Basically, I've got the paperwork and physical evidence to back up what I have known to be true for a long time. Finally, medical professionals not only believe me, but trust that I am telling the truth, and that my own personal research into my health issues isn't the result of some raving lunatic mad woman.

Hallelujah!

So, I'm still trudging away though, taking care of Me in the best way I can for the moment.

Yes, I still have problems with sugar, yes it runs in my family, and yes I need to eliminate it from my diet in order to function well and optimally.

No, I don't always avoid sugar, because sometimes I choose to eat the cookie, or eat the processed tuna instead of the 'clean' stuff either due to cost, availability, taste, comfort, or habit.

Like I have said countless times before, I'm working on it.

I no longer beat myself up for the less than ideal choices - this is true. I don't always feel satisfied, or happy about the choices I make, but I make them willingly, and I deal with the consequences of them.

I have been lazy and slacking on my workouts due to other commitments. Simply put, I've had to put a few other things higher on my priority list in order to manage my overall wellness, and that's just how life works sometimes.

You just gotta roll with the punches.

Do I have any funny anecdotes to share today? Any stories to tell? Hmmm...possibly. LOL.

But I choosing lately to tell them to people directly, in person, or via email so as to nourish, repair, or create new friendships, alliances, and connections.

I'm building up my Tribe of Success.

My Tribe...my Peeps, my Safety Net, my Home...whatever you want to Name it, it's that "thing" that keeps me Sane, and makes me feel comforted and Safe.

Imagine that, eh?

Cool.

So my Lovelies, with that I bid you Farewell for the moment, and ask that you please continue to keep in touch, and know that I am just a phone call, text, email, twitter, or Facebook comment away, and never out of reach.

Yes, sometimes I deactivate my Facebook account when I am scoping out new territory, and I get concerned about future career mis-steps or miscalculations. Or, sometimes it's just to practice a 'lil bit of discipline and get off the damn computer.

Sometimes I Twitter things, sometimes I don't...please don't take it personally if I am not up to date with all that you have going on.

Also, and this is key, a lot of people are hesitant to eat certain things in my presence, or feel the need to explain a scruffy appearance when they see me, and this makes me Sad. Please know, from the bottom of my heart, I am not Judging you one what you eat or how you look as much as I Judge myself.

I know I am my own worst enemy, and harshest critic, and quite often, I overcompensate feelings of inadequacy or self worth by pouring all my energy into my appearance, like when I am sick, or feeling under the weather.

Sometimes I dress like an Athlete, because to a certain extent, I am one.

Sometimes I dress like a Boy, because to a certain degree, I relate to them.

However, other times, I just enjoy being a Woman, and I am dressing simply for Pleasure.

It makes me Happy.

Quite often I wear pants, because to a large degree, I am frightened by my own sexuality.

Some bad things happened to me as a little girl, then again as a teenager, and I repeated the pattern throughout my 20's and am working to break that pattern Now, while in my 30's.

It's really, really Hard and yet also really really Easy.

It all just Depends on the Day.

***

So please, I want you All to know that I always want to hear what you are thinking about, and I do welcome the opportunity to reconnect when the moments present themselves.

You are All in my thoughts.

Always.

Losta Love,
Alilstrange
xoxo

Music - Click Here ===> Coeur de pirate - Comme des enfants

Remember Remember...the 5th of November...

2010-11-05T03:51:00.000-07:00

The Gunpowder Treason and Plot...

***

Hello Possums!

It's the day of Guy Fawkes Night, and Miss Alilstrange couldn't be more excited.

Things are pickin' up speed, and it feels like I'm cookin' with gas now, as a friend of mine would say.

In light of that, I haven't much to write today except to say that I'm humming like the Energizer Bunny, Buzzin' like the Bee that stings, and Mama Bear is back on track.

I feel a 'Welcome Back Kotter' moment coming on...man, do you remember that show? My sister and I used to watch it, and sing along with the theme song.

Good Show.

Good Times. ;)

In fact, there was a really good SNL sketch done a few years back that played on the Welcome Back Kotter theme, except they called it Welcome Back Potter.

He he he.

It was a play on Harry Potter, and it was way before the Lindsay Lohan/Herminone Granger sketch. I haven't been able to find it on youtube, but I really hope to see it again one day.

Let me know if you have any luck finding that one, as I would be so grateful!

Basically, they changed the words to the Kotter theme song to go something like this...

"Well they tease him a lot

Cause he teaches wizardy in the ghetto...

Welcome baaaack..."

Ha ha ha, trust me, sounds way better on the sketch. I don't do it justice, but you get the gist of it right?

Good.

***

So today is Guy Fawkes Day, which of course brings me back to a very fond memory of the last time I saw my Grandparents alive when I was about 12 years old or so, during my last visit back to England.

I don't want to get into too many details on here because I want to keep that one close to my heart, but let's just say that's just one of many reasons why I love the movie V for Vendetta.

Ahhh...the dialogue, the stellar cast, the writing, the visuals...and the performance of Hugo Weaving as V...Wow. That's all I can say.

You have to watch it to understand.

So that's my recommendation for today Folks, short and sweet on the delivery.

I've got a lot to do, but don't worry, I didn't forget about the music.

Today, I leave you with what was on my mind as I woke up this morning.

I don't think it needs any further explanation.

Cheers my Dears!

xoxo

Alistrange

No One Wants To Hear The Sad Stories...

2010-11-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

And so I often don't tell them.

Out loud that is...

On here though, here I can say whatever I want. And tell whatever story I want.

And no one gets hurt.

***

First, do no Harm.

How often have you heard that before?

Me, I've heard it countless times.

Do No Harm.

Sounds so simple doesn't it?

And yet...not always true.

I heard this again tonight, as I listened to Episdoe 198 of The Fitcast. Awesome podcast by the way, and this Story has absolutely nothing to do with it whatever...except to say that for those of you out there who read this blog AND listen to the Fitcast, you will probably be familiar with that line since it was referenced in the show.

But on to the topic at hand...

Sad Stories.

I have a few...actually, that is a lie. I have a LOT!

Ha ha ha.

The problem is, no one wants to hear a Sad Story. How do I know this? Because often times, in fact, many a time, time and time again, as I meet new people, they make certain assumptions about me.

Judgements, if you will. Based on my appearance.

And this is fine really, I get it. I understand the pre-conceived notions. We all make them.

Like today for example, at work. One of the guys I work with, who was born in Honduras (this will be important very soon...) and who often keeps us in happy giggles, was joking around about dating white chicks.

Yup, I went there. Well, to be fair, he did...I'm just retelling the story.

Anyways, so the context is as follows: we got onto the topic of the four single women in the group at work, and how one of the older women there wanted to fix us all up with boyfriends. She is a lovely woman, with a big heart, and just wants to see everyone happy and well matched to a mate.

Nothing wrong with that, in fact, I often feel amiss at not having a partner in my life. Not that I'm against being Single, or Alone, or travelling Solo, or dining Solo...or doing ANYthing solo, because let's be honest, I've been doing it Solo for years.

Oh yeah, that's right. Years.

Trust me on this one. It's a Fact.

Anyways, so the talk came down to dating, etc, and the "right" kind of guys/girls to date. So this one guy, whom I adore but has admittedly lead what he calls a rather sheltered life, remarked how everyone knows you need to date a white chick, because they are the ones with money!

Ha ha ha...right.

So I promptly responded with, oh yeah? Not this White Chick.

And we all chuckled again.

Because really, it was just one of those passing conversations, and we were all in a good mood, and we enjoy just being jovial with one another - it gets us through the day of mundane tasks. It's one of the reasons I enjoy going to work.

Well ok, it's practically one of the ONLY reasons I enjoy it, but whatever. It is what it is - you make the best with what you got, and when you hate your job - you have to focus on the positive things about your day.

For me, it's the people. Hands down.

I Love People.

And I love talking to People. Telling stories, sharing jokes. Laughing, singing, and just being chatty with them - I love it all.

I Thrive on it.
It's like Oxygen to me.
I Need it.

No, wait. Let me rephrase that.

I Need Them...or rather,

I Need You.

But the problem is, when I start talking to people, and I start to share things about my own experiences, they often stop talking. And then they look away. And then I start to think to myself, "What did I say?"

You see, that's usually when I start to clue in and realize that what I'm describing is something that other people often perceive as a very sad and painful story.

And that's when it hits me - that what I experienced was indeed painful.

Only I never recognized it as Pain. To me, it was just ...Normal.

So as it often happens, I am retelling something that is a Truth to me, and since I'm brutally open and honest (sometimes to a fault), people start to feel bad. And then they stop talking to me. I think it might be because they often don't know what to say in return. Or they feel bad, or embarrassed...or god only knows what they feel because they often don't tell me.

They just usually stop talking to me, and turn around, and I'm left to wonder...Why?

As a child, I guess I thought it was because there was something Wrong with me. That I was not quite right, and therefore, did not deserve to be treated any differently.

Interesting, isn't it?

But some people are so saddened by the things I tell them, that they start avoiding me altogether. Or they simply do not Believe me when I tell them the Truth.

I get that a lot.

If there is one thing I can't stand is when I tell someone something about myself, and they in turn respond with, "No way. I don't believe that."

Sigh.

Really?

Well, if you think I'm lying, than that's just your loss then isn't it.

Jerks.

LOL.

But I guess most people these days don't know the truth when it is being spoken. I think we all are pretty jaded and expect that someone is intentionally trying to lie to us, sell us something, or swindle or con us in some way out of our hard-earned money.

Or perhaps we fear that they are going to use whatever information we tell them against us in the future.

And certainly, there are people out there in this world who will do just that.

Yes, there ARE Bad People out there. Lots of Bad. Lots of Big Bad.

But with the Bad, comes the Good.

In fact, it cannot be any other way. In order for us to know what is Good, we have to have at least some knowledge of or experience of what was, or what is, Not Good.

And even for those things that we experienced that were Not So Good, we can reflect on them in time, and even change our own perspective on them so as to Remember The Good. And stop focusing so much on the Bad.

And that's how I Heal.
That's how I Recover.
That's how I continue to Smile.

Because out of the Darkness, comes the Light.

This is the Way the World Works....the Sun rises each and every day, and that my Friends...THAT is truly Beautiful.

So Cheers to You, Cheers to Me, and Cheers to Us.

Cheers to Life, Sunshine, and laughter.

And Smiles.

:)

Lotsa Love as Always,
Alilstrange

xoxo

The Marvelous Metamorphosis of The 'Lil Miss

2010-10-28T03:57:00.000-07:00

Come Sing with me, 'Lil Mouse!

She's Got Soul

2010-10-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

I call the light and high aspects of my being spirit and the dark and heavy aspects soul.

Soul is at home in the deep, shaded valleys. Heavy torpid flowers saturated with black grow there. The rivers flow like warm syrup. They empty into huge oceans of soul.

Spirit is a land of high white peaks and glittering jewel-like lakes and flowers. Life is sparse and sounds travel great distances.

There is soul music, soul food, and soul love...

People need to climb the mountain not simply because it is there but because the soulful divinity needs to be mated with the spirit.

The Dalai Lama
Phil Cousineau ~ Soul of the World

Ottawa Fashion Week - Volunteer Experience Day 1

2010-10-24T16:21:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Lovelies,

Just a quick post today to let you know how much I loved my first experience volunteering for Ottawa Fashion Week.

Today was my first crack at things, and it did not disappoint. I was to show up at The Loft, a hair studio on 380 Elgin Street for 9:30. We were told to expect to stay there until 2pm, but I managed to leave around 1:30pm as things were finally winding down.

Spending the day running around after people with a clipboard, issuing instructions while trying to remember new names and faces by the second was challenging, yes, but I never felt like any of it could have been called Work.

Why?

Because I met so many enthusiastic, and multi-talented people today while soaking it all up. To be sure I was tired at the end, and grateful to sit down to rest my feet, but I also felt alive with excitement and honestly didn't want to leave. I just wanted to stay and talk with everyone some more, but my feet were killing me, and I had to get home to change out of my heels. Not to mention I needed to get a lot of mundane, everyday-type things done to be ready for the upcoming week.

So what was I responsible for?

Hmm, let's see...lots of running around, moving things, guiding people to and fro, and generally just soaking it all up.

I had a glimpse today of what it might be like to love what I do for a living - and it felt Amazing.

I thrived off the energy of everyone involved today. Collectively, me and the dozens of other like-minded fashion enthusiasts helped to ensure that everything got done: from ensuring the models were properly herded and identified, to helping the designers find the right models for their looks by cataloguing and naming their waist size and height, and shuttling them back and forth between various corners of the shop.

Just being in the space with a crowd of people who all shared in the same passion was such a wonderful experience.

To be honest? Even though my feet were killing me at the end of the shift, I knew that had I just made a smarter footwear choice, I would likely have still been bouncing off the walls.

Ha ha, guess we all have to live and learn some, eh?

The Volunteer Orientation Session is tomorrow night, so I will be seeing most of the people I met today again, and I can't wait.

Cheers to you All!

***

PS...here's a fun video I wanted to share. I have a ton of regular channels I watch on YouTube, and one such channel features the Adidas Originals clips.

Even though I am aware of the capitalistic goals of major brands, and the human rights and labour violations often reported and condoned by the global corporations behind the products I use and love every day, I still can't help but love ads. The artistry, creativity and passion involved in each and every fashion layout, short film or photo shoot produces things that gives us, the human race, pleasure and happiness. A sense of purpose. That's what life is all about in the end, isn't it?

Hmmm...

Enjoy!

Love as Always,

Alilstrange

And then I felt compelled to Write...

2010-10-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw This Movie

And it gave me some Food for Thought.

And then this morning, I watched this video clip

And then I sat down at my laptop, and here we are.

***

I am a straight, 34 year old woman, who is terrified and yet irresistibly drawn to intimacy. I'm talking real intimacy - the kind where you just need to be around people, talk to them, touch them, love them.

That's Me.

And yet...I shy from it.

I run from it.

I'm Terrified of it.

Why?

Oh Dear...which story will I share Today?

There are so many.

***

First, a few fun facts.

I am obsessed with numbers. Not all numbers, just certain ones.

Odd Numbers.

Like the Number 3. My favourite number is 9 because it is made up of three 3's.

And the number 3, to me, is Perfect.

I cannot tell you why, it just IS.

Like a Triangle, or a Witche's Den, amazing and powerful things happen in 3's.

To Me.

***

If you haven't seen the movie, "It's Kind of a Funny Story", I highly recommend you do. It's a beautifully told story about a young man who is discovering himself. I know I related to it on an extremely personal level because I felt as though it was an alternate reality's version of My Story.

Only in the movie, the Boy figured out what was missing in his life a lot sooner than I did.

He learned to talk sooner than me, while he was still in high school, and he allowed himself to just be who he was a helluva lot sooner than I did.

I'm STILL working on that one by the way.

Some days I feel as though Time is running out for me, that I won't have enough time left in my life to Do, See, Feel, Touch all the things I want to experience.

Other days, I'm content to just sit and Be in the moment. Whether that moment is sitting at my favourite perch in Starbucks, watching people go by in their amazing outfits, fancy shoes, or impeccable suits.

Other times, I'm content to just sit on the subway, feeling the rhythm of the train, feeling as though I am Moving.

Movement calms my Mind.

Much in the same way water did when I was a child. I used to be a Fish.

Ha ha, no no, don't worry, I'm not THAT delusional. I just used to love swimming is all.

You couldn't drag me out of the water I loved it so much.

The best part about swimming was being underwater. I used to love diving into the pool, and swimming underwater for as long as I could hold my breath. The feeling of the water around me was Heaven.

I used to pretend I was a mermaid, or a dolphin. And I would use my body to propel me in the ways I watched animals do it on television.

We didn't have a pool, but there is a recreation centre down by my house where I used to take swimming lessons. The building is still there, and it has expanded over the years to include an additional skating arena, and a football field with 'real' turf. I use the gym there now, and it's quite nice really. It only takes me about 12 minutes to walk there from the front door of my house.

Now ask me how many years it's been since I've set foot in a pool.

I have no frikkin' clue. But it's been far too many.

I stopped taking lessons when I started to get my period, because I was terrified, and didn't know how to deal with the changes in my body. I thought my life was over. I burst into tears at the thought of having to use a tampon just to go swimming, because I thought Everyone Would Know, and I didn't want to be singled out, and made fun of.

Then, as I started to eat away my fears, my body grew and grew, and I stopped being able to just go out and do the things I wanted to do because I hated my body so much.

I gave up on my dreams of studying Fashion, because I thought I was too Fat and Ugly to be legitimate, and that Everyone Would Laugh at Me.

But I Loved it then, and I still Love it Now.

Only now I'm 34, and I feel as though it's too Late.

But you know what I've discovered?

It's Never Too Late.

So go on, get out your sequins, your patterns, your sewing machine that's been kicking up dust in the corner of the closet. I know I did.

Embrace your Passions!

It WILL get better.

And one day...one day I will know how to open up to people more, and to allow myself to experience Vulnerability. One day I will know how to give in to the urge to Touch someone, and to Hold them Close.

One Day.

Well, truth by told, I already can do this quite easily with other women, or with men who are gay. Because to me, they are Safe.

What makes them Safe?

Hmmm...I guess it's the idea that they can't hurt me in the same way a heterosexual Man can. If I'm rejected by another woman, it doesn't sting me as much. And so I don't fear it in the same way.

But, as someone told me just last week, I don't have anything to be Frightened of. Well, not with that Man anyways.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Because there are people in this world who do want to hurt other people. You DO have to be aware of your surroundings, and know how to listen to that squirmy feeling in your gut.

To E,

Thank you for sharing your story with me at lunch on Sunday. I was both honoured that you shared it with me, and so proud of you for who you are. Which is to say, I think you are an Intelligent, Funny, Strong, Powerful and Beautiful Woman both inside and out.

Love you Girl!

*hugs & kisses*

And so, Alilstrange is signing off for now but wants you ALL to know that I'm still here. I'm just chilling out for a bit, doing things IRL, and working things out One Day at a Time.

Peace and Milk (or in my case Tall Decaf Americano, black, no sugar...),

Alilstrange

Bugger Off

2010-10-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

Excuse me - I'm making perfect sense, you're just not keeping up.

Are You There God?

2010-10-10T05:15:00.000-07:00

It's me, Alilstrange.

Is there a God?

Hmmm...I don't know the answer to that one.

I'm not even sure I feel as though knowing the answer even bothers or upsets me. All I know is that I pray to someone I call God, and to me he is a male presence, a sort of Father figure. His image to me, in my mind, is of your typical Anglo-Saxon Christian Jesus figure, with the beard and long hair.

But that's not all he is to me.

And for those of you who perhaps didn't notice, I'll make it as crystal clear as I can - I didn't give him a capital h on purpose.

Why? Well, that one's personal.

Sometimes I might give him a title, which means, I sometimes will say Him, or He. But other times...other times I say She, or the Universe, or Mother Nature.

They all sort of represent the same feeling within me, in a way that's extremely difficult for me to explain using words.

And so I often don't try.

But now...now I'm going to try and explain it, even if it's only for the sake of practice in my Journey of Learning to Say What's On My Mind.

Let's see...where does it all begin?

For me, I think it goes back to when I starting asking questions about this Jesus man I kept hearing about. You see, I couldn't make things add up.

Backstory: I wasn't raised in any religion. My family never went to Church, not even on holidays, but we celebrated Christmas - albeit in the Give Santa Some Cookies kind of way.

Oh, and we also put out notes for Santa, and we got letters back in the morning with his signature and everything!

Talk about Cool, eh?

But I digress...

Around Grade 5 or so, I can't be sure which year exactly, I started attended Church with a girl from school and her family. I had gone to her house to sleepover on a Saturday night, and was "invited" to attend Church with them the next morning. They told my Mom that was what they did on Sundays, and that she could pick me up after...or something to that effect. I guess that was part of the arrangement.

They may have also invited her along, I honestly have no idea - that's pure speculation on my part.

But that's how it started, and for awhile, I really enjoyed it.

That's when I was given one of the first truly meaningful gifts I have ever received, and it was in the form of a Bible given to me by the Sunday School Teacher I met that first weekend.

You see, we were following along with some lesson in the class, and I was the only one in the room without a Bible. So Mrs. Garrott*, the Sunday School Teacher, promptly reached into her bag and gave me her son's old bible.

When I opened it up, it even had the inscription on the first page indicating that it was passed down to him in the form of a gift.

*At this point I also feel compelled to mention that I cannot recall if her name is Garrott, Garrot, or Garrod, but suffice to say, I know the sound of her name because at the time I used a 'lil trick of remembering her name. As soon as I heard it, it reminded me of the character Mrs. Garrett, from The Fact of Life (80's sitcom), which my Sister and I absolutely adored.

I still have the Bible, although I have to admit, it's packed away in storage right now. I tried to read it through as a child many times starting from Genesis straight on through. Not knowing that the Bible is not quite the same style as the novels I was used to, nor knowing that it wasn't supposed to be the same, I kept getting frustrated when it got to the part of how Mr. So-and-So was born to So-and-Such, and so on, and so on...like for real, it went on for pages on end, and it was really just too much.

And my sincere apologies if anyone reading this finds me sacrilegious in the way I speak, but quite frankly - if you don't like it, I don't mind, since this is my blog, and I'll write it the way I see fit. I do not however, intend to be purposely malicious or unkind, it is merely my intent to write how I feel.

Peace.

So along the way, as I grew up, I discovered many things about the Christians I knew in person, Christians throughout history, and then, being the curious and self-reliant self that I was, I asked a lot of questions, and read a lot of books on the various kinds of religions.

I've sought out "experts" in the form of other person with other experiences than mine, and I love to ask questions about what religions they practice, and not only How do they do things, but Why?

My Dad has introduced me to many bits 'n pieces from the Catholic religion, even though I never knew he was Catholic until after my parent's separation. But boy did that answer a LOT of questions when I found out!

For awhile I worked with a wonderfully kind and caring Doctor who is Jewish, and he graciously explained a lot things to me as we went through the year of holidays, and celebrations. He was and still is very kind, and a great storyteller.

I read about Buddism quite a lot when I was in High School, along with Zoroastrianism, and a few others I can't quite recall. I guess I just picked things up along my way, always asking questions, going to different churches, and just soaking up as much Love and Warmth as I can in religious buildings, and Gatherings.

I've explored Wicca, also in high school, and talked to Auntie Serenity about First Nations beliefs.

One of my absolute favourite experiences of most recent recall is the course I took last year on Islamic Traditions. My Professor, Selma Zecevic, blew me away with her intellect, strength of charactor, and charm. She was not only beautiful, but stylish, witty, extremely knowledgeable but also possessed the ability to command attention in the way she taught. I loved going to her lectures, and I was lucky enough to have her as my tutorial leader. I'll be honest, several of the students feared her, or found her disagreeable, but in my mind, I felt that they were just too young, or too inexperienced to truly recognize the Gem in their midst.

Their loss.

I Believe a lot of things, but to be honest, I don't believe in One True Religion. I don't know whether we came from an atom, or Adam himself, but it's not something that upsets me.

All I know is that we are all here together, and we all have our own viewpoints on what matters to us most. Some of us have it figured out, some of us are still working on it.

Some of us have it all wrong - or so we like to think.

All I know for sure in the end is that when I'm scared, sad, angry, happy, or whatever - I offer up a prayer of Gratitude, and Thanks.

Hmmm...I just now, as I'm typing this, made the connection between my last word, and the fact that it's Canadian Thankgiving.

Funny.

Suffice it to say, what I wrote above is just the tip of the iceberg on how I feel about All Things Related to Religion, but for some reason...I just wanted to share it.

Like right now, I totally wish I had mentioned my feelings on Yoga, and Shamanism, and how I have thought long and hard about converting to a religion, and how I feel about raising children on religion...LOL but again, all those are more subjects I like to talk about one on one with people. Because the time, place, and the people I'm with all make impressions on me.

I remember moments in time, and play them over and over in my head like 'lil movies, or scenes from movies.

And I Like that about Me.

I like to think of it as...Being.

Ciao for now Brown Cow,

Laterz!

Alilstrange

Massive Attack - Angel video - click here to watch

Pssst...

2010-10-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

The Victor & Rolf Secret Service has come home again...

Some fun tidbits about the design duo Victor & Rolf:

*known for their cut and proportion

*Born the same year, 1969, in the Netherlands

*Graduated from the fashion department of the Academy of the Arts, Arhem

My Fave Victor & Rolf Quotes...

"For us, fashion is an antidote to reality."

[Our fragrance Flowerbomb is] "all about the power of transformation. The power of every individual to turn anything into something positive."

2010-10-07T17:48:00.001-07:00

Message In a Bottle

2010-10-04T15:30:00.000-07:00

Dearest Beloved,

Nothing too exciting to write home about this time, but I was thinking of you today as I rode the bus home, so I thought I would write.

The days are getting shorter, and the temperature is dropping. Not that I mind - this is Fall after all, my favourite time of year. The leaves are so beautiful, and the sun has a special tint to it that it only seems to show during the season.

I've been recovering from a slight cold - nothing major, but I did have a fever and some nausea for a few days that made me uncomfortable. Managed it with a bit of Tylenol, rest and lots of fluids - seems as though the basics get me through each and every time.

Felt like myself again yesterday, so I went out in the hopes of some company and conversation but didn't see too many people I knew. It was sunny though, so I enjoyed my time outdoors, and then came home and finished up my chores and got ready for the week ahead.

Someone at work today told me I was there angel - imagine that, me? An angel? Ha ha...how little they know me. I laughed when he said it, (it was a long-time friend and coworker, we go back a few years) and told him, "Oh, I'm no angel!". But he is a kind hearted man, and he is devoted to his wife and religion (which is Islam by the way, because I know you would be curious), so I took it as a the compliment as which it was intended. He prays for me, and for that I am grateful. My heart is indeed in a much warmer and happier place these days, so his prayers must be working!

I hope this finds you well. I know there is so much going on in both our lives, but I want you to know that I hold a special place for you in my heart, and always will.

Oh! And I had another dream about you last night - I almost forgot to mention it. It was awfully strange and made no sense, but you were in it, and so was another friend of mine. What were you doing? I honestly cannot recall, ha ha, but I remember feeling as though it was a pleasant dream.

I just finished some baking that I will bring to work this week, and cooked my dinner, which is waiting for me next to the computer here on my desk - so I'll wrap this up for the moment.

I guess I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts, and that I smiled when I read something today - it was in a book. About a heart specialist. I think you would enjoy the story. I know I am loving it.

Alrighty, that's it for now! I'm cuddled under a blanket and my feet are slowly warming up in my slippers.

Take care, and talk soon.

Love, as always,
Me.

xoxo

Gotta Have It.

2010-10-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

What can you live Without?

Good Day Beautiful People,

Yeah that's right, I'm talking to YOU.

Not feelin' it? I have to be honest, I'm not either right now - I'm sick with a bad cold which this time around has come equipped with a fever and sore throat.

Good Times.

Not that I'm complaining...far from it. If anything, I'm the most relaxed and content than I've been in ages. I think my body was trying to tell me to lay off and just rest damnit, and since I am such a good listener (ahem, yeah right) I kept going and going until my body just threw down the gauntlet and said,

"Fine then, if that's how you want it, get a load of THIS!"

Ha!

He he, oops.

Remember that 'lil Keebler Elf Kevin, the one who caused a whole new cookie to be born? He used to say that all the time..."he he, oops!"

Reminds me of me in a huge way. Not only because I tend to laugh off a lot of my 'lil mistakes and clumsiness, but of how the little mistakes or accidents we experience can kick start other things into action.

Kinda like what's happening to me right now.

I made a mistake. I burned myself out, and now I'm taking a year off school to recover, and regroup. And boy has it been tough.

What could possibly be so difficult about taking time off from school? Because it's where I long to be. I ache for it. And yet, as soon as I sit down to make plans to return for January, the panic starts to rise in me again.

Definitely a sign I need to listen to.

What I've learned, is that when this happens to me, I have to stop for a moment and observe how I feel.

First and foremost, I ask myself,

What am I so nervous about?

Why am I Afraid?

Well, this time around, I'm afraid that I won't be able to make ends meet while going to school because my bill payments aren't where I want them to me. Seems as though getting my finances in order is harder and more complicated than it appeared at first glance.

Change requires time. And it's hard to see the changes that occur on a daily basis, so sometimes it's easy to indulge now and then, and revert back to old practices. Maybe the odd impulse purchase here and there, and before I know it I've purchased something yet again, when my original intention was only to buy what I need. Maintaining focus is hard for someone like me, but it's not impossible.

It just takes practice, and lots and lots of repetition, and determination.

Focus.

Firstly, there's my food. I rely on some pretty expensive supplements in order to maintain my level of health, and that means my grocery bill is still pretty high. I've made a lot of cutbacks, but there are certain things like multivitamins, digestive enzymes and fish oil pills that I refuse to give up.

They are THAT important to me.

I've made other concessions too, but I can still go further.

On a lighter note, I'm ready for Winter. I have my boots and winter coat now, and they will last me through several winters, as they were quality purchases. I planned them out beforehand, and did the research, and made it work within my budget.

This meant that I chose to go without a drink last weekend when I was out with my friends saying so long and farewell to a kindred spirit. I wasn't bothered by it though, I was too involved in enjoying the company and having fun that it didn't even bother me to stick to water. I had a 'lil treat beforehand anyways, so I didn't feel deprived.

I also have a plan in regards to my savings and bill consolidation, so the only missing part to that equation is time, and money. I've changed things around at work so that I can better manage my health by working earlier hours, but this also meant I had to accept some cuts to my pay, in addition to having already given up my health benefits.

All these decisions were ones I made with a clear conscience. In the past, most of my decisions were made in a state of panic, and so I didn't necessary go about them in the smartest way.

But that's ok, it's all Good. I just had some Learning to do in that regard.

Because that's what Life is all about right?

Learning.
Loving.
And Laughing.

It feels so Good to Laugh again.

And the Loving part? Well let's just say that's the best part of all. The ability to love myself, inside and out - that is whole new ground for me. But I feel Loved for the first time in my Life.

Loved not only by my Mom, but by a whole new bunch of Accepting and Supportive Friends.

True Friends are the ones who support you in your Goals, and don't try to pressure you to do things you don't want to do. I'm experiencing what that's like in my Life right now, and it's still feels so wonderfully new to me that a part of me can't stop feeling Amazed each and every time I think about it.

I suppose I will feel this way for a long time, and that's cool too.

It's so cool as to be Amazing, and I am truly thankful and grateful to have those people in my life. Even if some of those people were only around me for a few months before they had to leave again, they have touched a part of me deep inside, and I will never forget them.

We WILL meet again. Don't you worry your precious 'lil heart about it.

Nope, there will be no worries at all.

No problems, only solutions exist in this realm.

Being able to tell the Friends apart from the Foes is a new skill I'm learning to Master. Some people only seek to drain me of energy, and want to suck all that is Good and Light out of me to serve themselves.

But a very precious few have stood by me through it all, and they are indeed Gems. Plus, now I seem to be adding more precious jewellery to my collection as I continue to forge new connections with people who have been through their own struggles and hardship, and who have overcome their own fears and dysfunctional upbringings. They now lead successful, happy lives. And I will too.

Because now, for the first time, I know what that feels like.

So back to those cute 'lil Keebler elves. I found an old commercial from my youth, and I wanted to share it with you. Doesn't this remind you of a nothing more than a Pusher? For real, and THIS is the stuff that is targeted towards our children.

But, perhaps I'm being too harsh. So I'll let you be the Judge.

Is it really all just fun and intelligent marketing? Perhaps.

But perhaps there is more to it then meets the eye.

In fact, I dare you to start examining more things and people in your life.

Who, or what is right now so seemingly innocent and familiar to you, but quite possibly could be holding you back from something, or someone altogether greater?

Will you settle for a life of mediocrity?

Or do you want...More?

Is it right to want more? What if more isn't all it's cracked up to be?

Do I have the right to find out for myself?

Questions, questions....

Alright Possums, that's enough pondering for today me thinks!

And today being Friday, I think it's fitting to have something uplifting, or energetic to send you off to your evening.

So today, I chose something that always makes me Smile.

Enjoy it Lovelies, and remember, you're Beautiful when you Smile.

Rocket Queen

2010-09-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

Good Afternoon Beautiful People!

I'm just chilling back at home again after getting out and about on a combo "fresh air and be around people" fix.

Now I'm feeling smug and snug as a bug knowing that all my cleaning and laundry is done, and my lunch is packed for tomorrow.

I love my lifestyle :)

Here's hoping you are all having similarly wonderful experiences in your often hectic and crazy beautiful lives, and here's a 'lil something along the tune of what I had jammin' in my car today on one of my 'lil journeys.

Auf Wiedersehen!

Open Letter

2010-09-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

Dearest Friend,

I think if you were to see inside my Heart today, you would no longer see cobwebs, and empty corners. Instead, you would see fresh buds of green poking through the soil, with 'lil roots starting to grow.

Birds and small animals would be starting to fill out the empty spaces, and flowers would sit in flowerpots or vases, waiting to be admired and adored.

What brings on this growing warmth? Feelings of peace, calm, and tranquility. Days spent among faces both familiar and unknown, hours spent talking, laughing and singing. Evenings with good people full of warm smiles, and sincere expressions of companionship.

My Heart does not sing for any one person in particular so much as it joins in the chorus of love all around it.

Have I ever felt this way before? I don't think I have. This is what it's like having real friends with whom I can speak openly and honestly, without fear of mockery or rejection.

Turns out I was here all along, I only had to unlock the door to my own heart that previously was locked up tight behind brick walls of pain and neglect. Breaking down the wall, and putting the broken pieces of Humpy Dumpty back together has resulted in the emergence of someone I really do enjoy spending time with.

Me.

It's a Beautiful Feeling.

Love as Always,
Alilstrange

xoxo

http://sh1va-frozen.deviantart.com/art/hate-to-fall-in-love-95844279

Words That Make Your Heart Sing

2010-09-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

Hiya Beautiful People!

That's right, I'm talkin' to YOU.

How YOU doin?

Alilstrange is doing vera vera fine indeed, thank you so much for asking.

What have I been up to? Oh you know, the usual: work stuffs, gym stuffs, and lots 'n lots of thinkin' stuffs. Just makin' some plans, and havin' a 'lil bit 'o fun.

Oy vay, that's a lot of apostophe's...I think I'm done now.

Oh wait, apparently I had one left in me. There!

All done.

Now, on to business.

***

A few days ago I posted about one of the things that often keeps me up at night; that being my worrying about money. Or my lack thereof, to be more precise.

After reading that post, a dear Friend of mine sent me this letter, and I found it to be so uplifting, and so inspiring, that I immediately asked him whether he would mind if I posted it to share with you all. You see, it made me feel so good it caused my heart to swell - kinda like the Grinch at the end of the movie.

You know the one, that scene where his heart grows so big it breaks through its cage? And then he had the strength of hundreds of versions of himself?

That's how I picture my heart sometimes when it is soaring.

And it really soared after reading this.

So sit back in your rocking chair or wherever you may be, enjoy a cuppa, and soak up the yummy goodness that is brought to you by Eric, The Bike Man himself.

Enjoy.

***

Just a note to ya after reading a couple of blog entries ago...

To get advice from those with their lives less together than mine, and with almost no knowledge of what's really going on in my life, is often infuriating...

So let me give you some advice...

Sorta kidding...

just some stuff I dang near said out loud while reading your blog, you write well enough to truly engage the reader... Ok, ya know what, I'm 40, you haven't expressed a single thing I haven't felt before, but you say them in ways that evoke a "Testify Sistah!" response.

Be you. You're not a little strange... you're you and quite an amazing one, haven't met a person better at being you than you.

I've gone in a more "talking about me" approach... if nothing else, let my life serve as a warning ;-)

To think of a person as out of your league because of financial status is like thinking the same thing about physical appearance, age, intelligence, certifications, athletic skill. I'm personally tired of people trying to join leagues... yeah, ok, I might be bitter for being cut from some of the leagues, not even being asked to try out for others, but I've walked away from some leagues...

Hey Ladies, tired of guys with cars, careers, futures? Try Eric.

I've joked about that, but ya know I've only truly been happy when I've been happy doing what I want to do... yeah I'm in debt and don't have any of additional education, certification or a prototype to show for it... but if I'll be judged on how much money I have then I'll print my bank statement on a T-shirt and wear it under my Hawaiian shirt. If someone ever sees the heart under the Hawaiian shirt or the mind under the long hair or the soul produced by the connection of the two through my old and busted spinal column then maybe they'll even someday be interested in the bits that connect to my soul a bit below where my pinched the sciatic nerve exits.

Yes I'm old and busted, and broke and trying anew to build my life into what I want. Or be as good as I can get with what I've got left. I've decided to live forever, or die trying. I am my own league.

A suggesting from a friend was to write a list. write down whatever you think you want in a person to be with for the rest of your laps around the sun. Write it down and stick to it, modify it to suit you, not someone you meet. Some people you meet will be fun for certain parts of your laps around the sun, maybe the snowboarding friend will be there in the cold months with warm giggles. You don't have to preclude them from your life if they aren't "The List"... but make sure you know that we are each and all worth our lists.

My list is still up on Mo's fridge, it used to be our fridge, I'm getting ready to do the final move and move everything out, including the list. The list no longer seems to be something I'll frame and give to Mo as a wedding gift, it'll go on my fridge. It'll do that and nothing else. It'll go on my fridge until someone I meet on my laps around the sun is "The List" and I'll be their "List". It could happen. I thought Mo was "The List" and she was so close, Mo kept saying that she "made me up"... so close.

Q: Do you know the secret to great comedy?

A: No

Q: No, no, no. You're supposed to say "No, what is the secret to great comedy?"

A: Ok what is/

Q: No, no, no. Wait for the set-up

A: Ok

Q: Do you know the secret to great comedy?

A: No, what is the secret/

Q: Timing.

Life is comedy, I didn't say it wasn't pain, it just hurts less if you can laugh instead of cry.

Rubber Side Down

Eric.

My Dad passed told me a story from when he was young, of a music teacher hearing him play a passage on the saxophone. When my Dad got to a part of the passage with which he had difficulty, he played softly. The Music teacher proclaimed "If you're going to blow a bad note, blow it loud!

***

Thank You Eric.

I printed off Eric's Letter today, and gave it to another Friend of mine to read. I haven't known this person for very long, but in the short time that I've come to know him, I have come to call him Friend, Brother, and Fellow.

We also refer to each other as Colleague, and I thought it fitting that he should use that word.

Life sure is Funny sometimes, eh?

Hmmm...

If You do ONE Thing Today...

2010-09-23T03:40:00.000-07:00

Check this out....

Stick It

2010-09-21T17:13:00.000-07:00

Today I Ran.

Nothing crazy, just some intervals on the treadmill.

It felt amazing.

***

When I'm running I can be anyone I want to be in my head. I crank the tunes on my ipod and just Go. When it's good, it's really really good. I feel free, I feel strong and like I can take on the world.

The combination of strong music with compelling lyrics make my runs even more of a total experience.

There are many songs and artists that move me, but tonight it was one of my tried-and-true favourites that inspired me to Just Keep Moving.

Eminem.

Surprised?

It's a classic, everyone knows the song, but I want to share some of the lyrics with you all the same.

Just because Words take me places, and I guess I want to share some of those places with You.

Tonight, I invite you to read it anew...read it like it's Something Different. Like it's Something You Never Heard Before.

***

He opens his mouth but the words won't come out

He's choking, how? Everybody's jokin' now

The clock's run out, time's up, over BLOW!

Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity

Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked, he's so mad

But he won't give up that easy, no he won't have it

He knows his whole back's to these ropes

It don't matter, he's dope, he knows that

But he's broke, he's so sad that he knows

When he goes back to this mobile home

That's when it's back to the lab again, yo

This whole rhapsody, better go capture this moment

And hope it don't collapse on him

***

And now I would like to calm you down a 'lil bit.

Take it slow, take it easy. Take a big breath, and let it out.

Breathe.

Then maybe hum a 'lil, sing a 'lil, or run yourself a hot bath. Whatever makes you feel really really Good.

I like to listen to MJ when I'm cooking dinner. I know, sounds weird right? What can I say, the music takes me back to a simpler time, a happier time.

A time when my Sister had his album, and we both loved watching music videos...Together.

And so, even though I know he got a 'lil weird in the end, a part of me feels as though I can relate to the Craziness. To the Loneliness, and to the Longing to just go back to when I was a kid, and everything was still Possible.

And so with this I bid you Good Night, and Sweet Dreams...but Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the Light.

- Dylan Thomas

Shamelss Self Promotion

2010-09-20T15:31:00.000-07:00

Hey Strangers!

I hope you all had a fantastic weekend, I know I did. Not too much to say today because I wanted to let some pictures do the talking but I'll supplement with a few bits 'n bites as a means of taking you through the weekend.

First off,

Sound of Lions on Friday was a lot of fun. I napped before hand, and arrived at the scene in my own personal tribute to The Kaiser himself with my fingerless gloves. It was fun to dress up, I rarely do it.

Mostly everyone I chatted with was friendly with me, with only one exception. I saw a few familiar faces that I've seen around town, and finally had a chance to meet them. That's the fun thing about Ottawa in a sense, it's such a small town you're bound to see the same people out and about. For better or for worse, eh?

Here are some Fall themed cookies I encountered on Elgin at the Brown Loaf. Don't worry, I only took a picture. ;)

This made me laugh...

And that is all she wrote!

Cheers,

xoxo

Alilstrange

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

2010-09-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to change one's nature?

I have been watching True Blood lately, it's one of my favourite shows. There are lots of themes I can identify with on that show, and to be honest, I am dying to deconstruct it on so many levels. I imagine sitting in one of my Humanities' classes from last year with my friend Jess, and we are breaking down the series in much the same way we did with Heart of Darkness, or Shakespeare.

We had such fun in that class, and I miss having people like Jess in my day-to-day life with which to discuss the overlapping themes and layers to stories like True Blood. You see, you don't need to always deconstruct the Classics, you can do it with any of the modern movies, or television shows.

One of my best writing assignments this past year for that course involved me deconstructing a Chanel add. It was one of my best pieces of work, and I earned my first A+ almost effortlessly through writing it. Even more important that the mark itself was the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed writing it, and actually had fun breaking it down.

That is one of the things I miss so much about school. And right now I'm struggling with when is the right time to go back?

These are some of the things I need to weigh in my decision:

Budget - what will I do to get by and pay my rent on top of OSAP? Mainly, how will I continue to be able to make my current loan payments for my line of credit, and credit card bill?

Housing - where will I live? Do I live in a room in the Village, which is right next to campus? Or do I live somewhere downtown, thereby providing myself with more options to find work?

Ideally, I would like to live and work close to campus, but the odds of finding a part-time job at school are less in January than they would have been in September. Or at least, that is what I have told myself. I honestly don't know how true that is. But I have a feeling it's not too far off the mark.

I like living downtown. I can get anywhere I need to be with my TTC pass, and I like being able to walk around to get my groceries, go to coffee shops, the library, etc. I need to be able to wander...it clears my head. That is where I found myself during most of my spare time anyways, especially since I didn't yet know many people, and before I made many friends. I fell in love with this wonderful neighbourhood called the Annex. It was quiet, and reminded me of my favourite parts of Ottawa.

On the other hand, living on campus or close to it has it advantages in that I can walk to class, and make use of the gym, and Toronto Track and Field Centre. I loved the indoor track especially - it was one of my favourite discoveries on campus. I would go there to run, or walk around the track for a few laps in between studying or working on assignments. I found that if I could go for a quick workout, then go right back home and study, I would be able to concentrate better, and that is when I did some of my best work.

I would still go downtown in my free time, but it was hard to make use of free yoga classes at Lululemon, or other events because of the restrictions on Sunday start times of the TTC for example. Also, I refrained from looking for part-time work there, because of the commute.

Pros and cons. I weigh these constantly.

But I guess the most important decision weighing on my conscience right now is when to go back. I ache to be back at school, and yet, I know it's not going anywhere. I know that if I were to jump right back into school in January without having some of my credit card debt and other loans reduced, I would be jumping right back into worrying and stress. One of the biggest stressors in my life is worrying about my debt and paying my bills on time. I'm so extremely jealous of anyone I meet who is pursuing their dreams while actually managing to live day-to-day without any debt.

I've spoken to several people about how they manage to pay for school and the answers vary. Some people are incurring OSAP debt, like me, but that is the only debt they have. Which means they are not having to also balance the payment of additional loans, so in essence, have less debt to take on. Other people are getting their education paid for by their parents, and only have to work to make money for entertainment purposes, or for the extras in their life. So their tuition and rent is covered by their parents, and they work to pay for clothes, or to go out partying or take trips. I'm extremely jealous of those people too.

I try not to be jealous, but it's really hard not to feel that way. I hate it. It's like a lick of anger in my belly anytime I think about it, so I try and remind myself that I'm actually quite lucky in the big scheme of things in life.

I live in Canada, I do not live in a war-torn country. I am grateful for the fact that I am able to live at my mother's house right now, and for that fact that she is letting me live there rent free - for the time being. I wish I only had the OSAP debt to worry about. But my tendencies in the past to deal with emotional baggage via shopping has saddled me with many bills. If it wasn't for my Mother, I would likely be living in a halfway house or be on welfare right now just to survive.

This almost always brings me back to when I left my fiance. When we separated, we never sold our joint property. I used to own a house with him, did I ever tell you that? And when we broke up and started to split up our things, I hired a lawyer, and was advised to sell the house, and split the sale of it between us. That is what people do when they separate. Only my ex-fiance didn't want to go that route. He took advantage of my guilt in leaving by refusing to sell the house, and offered to pay me back what I had contributed as my original portion of our joint down payment.

In a word, I got ripped off. And I allowed it to happen. I didn't tell to very many people, because whenever people find out about it, they shake their heads at me and say things like, "Oh Lynda. That's terrible. Did you not get any legal advice?"

Yes, I got legal advice. But I had no one to stand by me and be my strength besides the lawyer, who was costing me an arm and a leg each time I went in to see him. Meanwhile, my fiance was still living in the house, and was earning twice as much income as me. I felt as though I was backed into a corner. And yet, all our friends we had as a couple had taken his side, since I was the one who decided to leave the relationship. So I was getting the cold shoulder from everyone except my one best friend Rebeca.

It was an extremely rough time for me, and it set me on a path to an extreme financial disadvantage. All because I was naive and weak, and didn't know how to stand up for myself, or my own rights. In essence, I laid down and took it like a dog who has been kicked around and given up on fighting back. If I were a man I would say I took it in the balls.

My ex went on to meet someone new in a matter of months, and not only kept the house that I picked out and made a home, but invited his new girlfriend to live with him almost immediately. They are now married, and I think still living in that same home.

Do I regret not standing up for my financial rights? Hell yes. Today, when I look back, I am shocked and stunned by just how much I let that man walk all over me in the name of guilt. I became the worst victim in that situation, and took all the blame. And it wasn't right. He did not treat me fairly, and I didn't even know what end was up at the time.

I always promised myself I wouldn't use this blog to badmouth him in any way, but the fact remains that I see things differently now in terms of how the breakup went down. Quite literally, I felt as though I got fucked over, and there is nothing I can do it about it now.

In the end, I chose to walk away, and that is the decision I have to live with. Even though I am struggling now with my income, and have set myself back so far into financial insecurity, a little part of me is proud that I didn't put a dollar amount on love. But at what cost to my freedom? It would certainly be a lot easier to be proud of my actions had I stood up for myself more.

But that was then, and this is now. This is just one of those things in life that many people, men and women alike, have to deal with on an ongoing basis.

One of the reasons I am scared to get into a relationship with a man is because of the financial debt I carry. I come with baggage, and it's not just the emotional kind.

What kind of man would want to take on the responsibility of entering into a partnership with me, knowing full well what kind of debt I have incurred?

I am meeting new people all the time now, and many of them are fine young gentlemen who are not only kind, but who seem interested in talking to and getting to know The Girl With a Plan. And while a lot of them have no spare money to spend, just like me, they also do not have the debt I have. They are debt free. And therefore, I think to myself, out of my league.

Who would want to be with someone like me? I am Not Good Enough to share a life with, much less build a future. This is the Truth that haunts me at night, and why I often times cannot sleep, and cry into my pillow, or just stare at the ceiling.

It's one of the realities I'm trying to accept. And it depresses me.

Do I incur more debt by jumping back into school in January, or do I wait until the Summer, so as to give myself some time to get my finances in a 'lil bit better shape?

That's the question I hope to be able to answer next week after meeting with one of my financial advisors.

The longer I go on delaying school, the more depressed I become. I feel as though my life is on hold, and with it, my Happiness.

Oh, Mr. Sandman, give me a Dream.

Send me to sleep with dreams of Freedom, Love, and Happiness.

So that I may wake with a renewed sense of purpose, and the energy to enter into battle once again. The fight to escape the Darkness.

Night All.

Sweet Dreams.